This one’s going to be a hard one for me to talk about folks, but here it is. Pardon me for the harshness of it, but if I could possibly help someone it’s worth the risk.
I started smoking cigarettes after my last serious suicide attempt, and I smoked off and on for 5 years. I was and still am a wreck, and there are days even now where I want to pack it all in and call it a day. Who’d care if I’m gone, right? What’s the point if my every effort only ends in personal anguish?
No, I’m not proud of who I was in my formative years, and now that I am 25 I still struggle with my own self-worth. The moments of bullying, doubt and fear have left their marks on my soul, marks that cannot be washed off. I’d often look at myself in the mirror, and think: Is it really worth the pain you cause to go on living?
Depression is real folks. I know because I’ve lived it. You wish you could get rid of these thoughts, but there they are as plain as day. You can’t shake the ghost for the skeletons in your closet, and you just know that the people across the way secretly hate you. Those words spoken to you all those years ago still ring in your ear, and you just want to be done with it.
My heart goes out to each of you who suffers from this. Nobody should feel so lost, so hopeless, so damnedly alone. Having dealt with this myself I refuse to let another go through it if I can help it. The world is so open, life so precious a gift, and I want to show the love in the hopes that it will show others that there’s a better way.
As ashamed as I am to admit it I cry most nights. As the waves of tears crash against my face all I can see is the pain that so many young people carry in this country, and they deserve to know that they are worth the love. They deserve to be told they are special, that they are beautiful inside and out. Nobody should feel so alone that only death makes sense.
I am 25 now, but so many times I am 13 again and wanting to give up. I don’t want to be that kid anymore. And I don’t want any of you to be that kid either. So much crazy in the world, but we all can have the beauty of a rose growing inside of us if we allow it.
If you or someone you know is suffering, please don’t hesitate to call on somebody. Seek out the love, because it is there. There is warmth and sunshine and beauty, and it is so lovely.
Won’t you please drop the ash and let the smoke fade away? Please, let me tell you I love you if no one else has. You are loved, and you deserve love. You’re going to be ok.
It will get better.
