It Took Thinking I Would Lose Everything To Realize I Had It All
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Health and Wellness

It Took Thinking I Would Lose Everything To Realize I Had It All

A day I will never forget.

It Took Thinking I Would Lose Everything To Realize I Had It All
Brooke Lyn Landon

I was crying in a quaint children's park not far from the house I was raised in. Thinking my mother could possibly have only a few months left to live, and having relapsed badly as a way to cope, I felt like the weight of the universe was on my shoulders, and all I had left in me were tears. My mom, health, and possibly life, seemed to be coming to an end, and it felt like I was loosing it all.

Sitting in the park, I raised my head and looked at the sky. I thought 'Help! Just give me a sign, will you? I just want a literal sign giving me directions on how to get me out of this mess!' Head in my hands, I closed my tear filled eyes and pictured a street sign with white illegible letters telling me exactly where I had to go, and what I had to do. 'If only...' I thought.

In that moment, I had the impulse to walk around the surrounding neighborhood, which in retrospect seems strange considering you usually go to a park to walk around in it. Noticing the quirky houses with similar dark brown tones, I became distracted from the worry and trauma my mind had been producing, and my tears subsided. I made a right here, and a left there, and continued to meander around the neighborhood.

I came to a crossroad and looked up at the street sign in front of me. My eyes began to tear up again, but this time, a big smile stretched out across my face, and I began to laugh. Standing tall, about two feet in front of me, stood a sign with white letters and my name on it. Directly below, was another sign telling me where I had to go, and what I had to do. I read my name, and below, the name of the treatment center I had gone to a few year back, over and over again, as if it couldn't be real. I did exactly what the sign said because frankly I would have been stupid not to, and went to an outpatient program that treatment center offered. As a result, I got the help I so desperately needed.

It was in that moment when I saw the sign that I felt the weight of the universe vanish, and a strong sense of peace and belonging wash over me. I realized I had thought I would lose it all, when in fact, I will always have everything I need. Every answer, solution, desire, is around and within me at all times, and there will never be a day, moment, or second, where I am alone in this world. It took thinking I would lose everything to realize I had it all, and always will.

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