The other night, I got into an argument with my mom. I couldn't even tell you what started the argument because it was that stupid. But it wasn't what started the fight that got to me, it was how it ended. In the midst of our yelling at each other over God knows what, my mom uttered three words that struck a chord with me: "You're not happy."
I just stood there with my mouth open. I had so many words in my head, but it's like my brain wouldn't let me speak them. I responded with a simple "I know." But that was the thing. I knew I wasn't happy, but I had no idea why.
My mom's eyes started to fill with tears as she was begging me to tell her why I was so unhappy. She kept rattling off things it could possibly me: work, boys, health. I had no answer. How could I give her an answer when I couldn't give myself one?
I went into my room and just cried. I cried in frustration. Why am I so sad? What could possibly be making me feel this way? I've been feeling this way for a while, but the fight with my mom solidified it. Then it finally hit me
I was trying way too hard to make myself happy.
I never give myself a chance to be sad or be angry. I always feel like I need to put on a brave and happy face and act like everything is fine. Everything is not fine, and that's okay. I'm in a rut right now, but I know I'll soon get out of it.
I was looking for validation from others. As much as I said I wasn't, I couldn't even admit to myself that I was. This was driving me crazy. The constant need to live up to others standards of what I should be was exhausting. I've always had this feeling that I need to be my best me at all times, that it wasn't okay to break down.
It's okay to break down. It's okay to have a bad day.
I let my sadness and anger out that night, and it felt good. I know it's going to be a long journey to happiness, but it's going to come. I need to stop looking for it in places where I know I will never receive it. I need to stop looking for it period. Happiness will find me.
Until then? Let me be sad. Let me be angry. I will have my days, but I'm not going to hide them anymore. What good will that do for myself and my journey to find my happiness?