Is there pressure for Christian women to marry?

You bet.

Of course it’s not that simple. To some degree it is, though. Is there pressure for women—especially Christian women—to date, to at some point marry, and to most likely have kids? Generally speaking, yes.

Dating and marriage are not bad things, of course. I think most women desire to date and marry. Whether or not one has kids is dependent upon many things, including how one’s attitude toward mothering changes after marriage. I’m sure many women married not wanting kids, and later wanted them.

No, there is nothing wrong with dating, or marriage, or parenting. So why am I writing this article at all? Because I think there is pressure both in the church and in the world—though perhaps more from the church. This pressure comes from mostly good intentions, but not all women are going to embrace it. This pressure can lead to discomfort.

Discomfort is not necessarily bad. But this kind is. For those who are unsure about marriage, but very aware of it and the possibilities of it, even any mention of a future hypothetical husband or kids can be cause for too much thought and anxiety. At least for people like me who are prone to over-thinking things. And I suppose I now have to say that this applies to me; otherwise I would be lying.

Some day I may get married. In fact I probably will. At any rate, I’m not ruling it out, but I’m certainly not ruling it in either, at least not at this point. And obviously I’m still quite young; I don’t think I entirely know myself yet, nor do I yet have the emotional maturity to make the decision about if I should get married or not.

Regardless of my youth, at some point in my later teens—later than many girls—I began thinking about boys. And dating. The heat really turns up during college though, especially at a Christian college, when it seems a lot of girls are dating and quite a number (definitely not the majority, but at least more than makes you feel normal) are getting married or prepping for marriage. I’m not sure what it’s like elsewhere, but the Christian community definitely promotes college as a time to date. That is not a bad thing, and for those girls who are prepping for marriage, or married--good for you.

Comments from family about a future husband and kids never used to bother me. I’d chuckle, wonder briefly about having a husband and kids, wonder if I wanted kids—but I was never bothered.

Now, thinking much more seriously about dating, marriage, and parenting, comments like those make me wonder if I’m wrong to not be gung-ho for marriage and kids.

I’m sure readers older than I am are chuckling about now. “You are so young. You don’t have to worry about these things. You don't have to get married in your early twenties.”

Of course I don’t. I don’t think I want to. But I see dating and marriage everywhere, in people just a year or two older than I am. It makes you think.

As I said, marriage is a wonderful thing; God created us to marry lifelong partners. But not everyone needs marriage.

I’m not saying I don’t, or I do. What I’m saying is I’m not sure, and in the context of my very traditional community and family, I feel a bit—out of place, perhaps. Or maybe I’m just unaware of how other people in my family really feel. Perhaps they’ve felt the same way.

My family is entirely understanding. They’re not pushing me to date or get married. But I’ve gotten, and still get, a general sense that everyone around me just assumes I will date, someday, and more than likely get married, someday. I myself kind of assume this too. I just will. The odds are good.

And the odds are good, except when I’m not sure. And I’m not. So the odds aren’t as good as maybe everyone around me expects them to be.

I’m fine with this. I don’t have a desire to conform, to date, to get married just because my community promotes it like crazy. And like I said, who knows; there’s a good chance I’ll meet a great guy and end up with a ring on my finger. I wouldn’t be against that at all.

But I realize now what it feels like to be genuinely unsure where I want to go in life. I have never thought so deeply about this part of my future before—about dating and marriage. Now that I’m thinking about it seriously, I have no desire to rush into it.

The thought is very freeing, actually.

Part of me lives in fear of being a “spinster,” of course. Sure, I would like a lifelong partner; I don’t like being alone for very long periods, and I get the sense I may always be that way. And sure, I would like to have that kind of intimate connection with a man.

I would like very much for a man to value me for me. Mostly I just want the lifelong companionship; the knowledge that someone is committed to me.

Does this mean I have to get married?

I shouldn’t have asked that; it brings up a whole new can of worms, which I won’t address here, though I want to. It would take too long.

For now, suffice it to say that I’m simply unsure about marriage. I know it’s partly because I’m young; partly because I'm inexperienced in regards to “love”; partly because I’m very driven and I have career goals I wish to accomplish; partly because I’m just unsure.

This lack of surety is entirely normal, and most people think it is normal. Still, there is, if not pressure, an expectation, for women in the Christian community. Simply an expectation. Marriage is coming.

Even recent articles I’ve read about being a single Christian seem to imply that the single Christian desires marriage. That he or she just hasn't found the right person yet. At times I too fear not finding the right person. And other times I’m not sure I want to marry at all.

Acknowledging my lack of surety frees me from all these expectations, conscious or unconscious, subtle or not subtle, that come from the people around me. I am free to be who God created me to be—whoever that is. Whatever He puts in my heart is what I will do. He doesn’t require me to marry or not marry; now that I’m free from sin I’m truly free. Free from the world, and free from any man-made expectations of the church, however well-intended they may be.

I’m still going to feel awkward when the subject of a husband and kids comes up. That feeling will undoubtedly continue for a while, until at some point I start dating and set my mind on marriage (if I do). I don’t expect that decision to come any time soon, though, and I don’t want it to. I have too much to learn; way too much to learn. About everything. If dating comes into the picture, that’s cool.

I’m not rushing the process; on the contrary, I’m enjoying it. There are so many things to discover.

For now, I’m content just being me, following Christ.