The other day, I almost lost it and I wasn't OK with that. I was at the gym working out and I had a moment I'll never forget. During this workout, I was having trouble breathing, but more so, I was having trouble fighting thoughts of giving up. I had to fight sweaty and exhausted, teary-eyed and angered against this negative self-talk in my head. I kept hearing things like:

"You can give up, you're just a beginner."

"It isn't that big of a deal that you suck at this."

"You've done enough."

"You just shouldn't finish because you aren't capable of doing this."

I believe that those thoughts came from a place deeper than just a place of wanting to give up because it was hard. I fully believe that came from a place where I wanted to give up because I didn't have full control over the situation at hand. I recognized this in looking back at little situations I've faced in my recent past. I didn't let a co-worker help me with a task because I was fearful of the outcome not being ideal to my standards. I won't become too close to people who are similar to others whom have let me down in the past, or even that I don't cry as often as I should because I want to be in full control of my emotions. Basically, what this all means is that I never want to appear vulnerable to others around me.

Man, just reading the word "vulnerable" hurts my soul.

It reminds me of times I've let others take small responsibilities, the project was messed up, and everything came back on me. It reminds me of times I didn't control certain quirks or traits and lost "friends" over those moments. However, it mostly reminds me of when I became completely vulnerable with someone else, they used me and quite honestly, I haven't been the same since. Being vulnerable brings up a lot of scars I never fully was able to face until it has been shown as something that has held me back from reaching my fullest potential.

But looking at those problems now, I know the solution. When I was going through those moments of vulnerability, I was placing my trust in a person. I now know that I need to place my trust in Christ, before I trust any person. Don't construe the message people, I'm not saying you can't trust anyone and everyone is out to get you. I'm saying that every single person you know and don't know, are at their core unstable and unpredictable. Time and time again this has been shown through news articles, family stories or through straight gossip that someone a person originally trusted has let them down in some small or big way. But in order to fix this, we have to fix our eyes on someone that is constant. We must look towards someone that, though life changes and people change right before our eyes, they still remain the same.

Who is this person?

That is Jesus Christ.

We have to fix our eyes on someone who is the constant author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). We must remain steadfast to consistently stay reminded that God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Most importantly, we have to fix our eyes on Christ because "the grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." (Isaiah 40:8) His words that He speaks to us, the revelations we get on a daily basis of who He is to us, His word that He provides us with is unchanging. That is such a concept that I can never fully grasp because I've seen people's words not stand true to what they've spoken to me. Or I've even heard the words of people still stay in my head for years and years afterwards. However, I've also had the word of God hidden in my heart as a child and I still can be encouraged and refreshed by what I've been taught. I can be strong and courageous because God instructed me to be in Joshua 1:9. Because of Matthew 6:34, I don't have to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. These verses and so many more have been hidden in my heart over the years. However, the concept that remains so strongly in my mind is that God's word speaks louder than any other person's words that have ever been spoken over me. If I choose to focus on God and all that He has spoken over me, then the vicious words of others begin to fade. In that moment, all I am left with is peace and comfort in the fact that God cares enough to speak beautiful things I need to hear at specific moments in my life.

I remember in the gym, I was at a place where I was entirely too vulnerable and I just remember saying in my mind, "God, help me. I can't do this!" But in an instant, I felt more peace than I have ever felt at that gym and I finished before my time ran out. In that little exchange of words, there was an exchange of me holding onto being in control of the situation, calling out for help in a time of extreme need and finishing strong. In that moment, I let go so I could receive more than I asked for. If you ever find yourself in a situation that is similar, then challenge yourself to let go a little bit. Lose control for once. Yes, it will be the scariest moment of your life. But in that moment of vulnerability, in that moment of releasing the burden and placing it in the hands of God. He takes control of the situation and you gain so much more than you could ever imagine.

So, is it really OK to lose it? Yes, yes it is. Give full control of that situation to Christ. It'll turn out way better than you ever expected, I promise.