When I am exposed to a large amount of social contact without isolated breaks, I shut down. I keep more to myself and I talk with a select few. We exchange a few empty words. This is an inside look at my introverted brain.
Although the changes have been subtle I have come a long way from what I once was. I hid myself behind my sweaters. They were my safe haven, My border between the world and I. Anxiety is my constant companion. I play in my head different scenarios that could arise. I create dialogue and the possible outcomes . It's as if I was a director of my own movie. At times I just choose to sit alone at lunch. My eyes wander and i look at people's faces. I'm always alone in a room full of people.
Whenever I'm going to talk to someone I practice what I'm going to say to them in my head. I analyze every word to make sure it fits properly with the sentence. In a way I am writing my own script. As I'm approaching this person I put on my best extrovert act. The red curtains separate. You are alone on a black stage. The blinding lights are on you and the audience is growing impatient. This is how it feels to talk to someone I am not comfortable with. This is something I would like to change.
My brain can be very complex. It's like an unsolvable math equation. But at the same time it creates my character. My brain has its flaws. From the Anxiety to being socially withdrawn at times. The more I try to understand it, The more I'm confused. I'm just going to let it be.