I believe that if you are open to it, messages can come from any little thing in the universe. A cardinal at your window makes you think Grandma is checking in on you from the other side. A flower in the middle of your concrete driveway helps you see your way through struggle. A nice cashier reminds you that there are wonderful people in the world. A rainbow after the storm restores your hope. A boneless chicken wing reminds you to love yourself no matter what. Stay with me folks, I know what you are thinking, you were with me until the chicken wing.

Let me explain. I was at Applebee's the other night with my kids and it was a late dinner. My husband had taken our oldest on an overnight adventure and so I was left alone with the five year old twins. All week I had thought I might take them on our own overnight adventure somewhere, but here we sat eating good in our own neighborhood Applebee's instead. Why? I got stuck.

I'm not sure when it started, but something triggered me into emotional stuckness. I couldn't get it together. Sure from the outside I was doing everything I needed to do; the kids got bathed, fed, played with, dropped off at practices, and to the dentist appointments we all had that day. It looked good on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess.

I obsessively stayed up the night before looking up cool places to go on vacation with the kids. I bounced from zoos to beaches to water parks. I thought I made a decision to go the the beach but I checked the weather and it was going to rain. So I decided to do an indoor water park, but which one, all day or half day, who should we invite, will my husband and other child be mad we went without them? I finally decided to just go to bed and figure it out in the morning.

We were busy the next day and had dentist appointments right up until my husband was supposed to leave with the oldest. I had not made a decision on what to do or where to go so I went to water my plants outside, thinking that might calm me down and help me decide. Watering the plants did nothing to stop the building pressure inside me thinking that I had to get going, do something, be fun mommy. On my second trip to the faucet for water, I broke down crying. In my head I was going off on myself for being so indecisive, wasting the day and not having a plan.

I was mentally berating myself for not making a decision. Who gets overwhelmed trying to decide how to have fun? What was wrong with me? I was hearing thoughts in my head that I would not say out loud to another human being because of their viciousness. Why was I such an idiot, procrastinator, bad mom who wasn't any fun, and much worse?

I picked up the phone and called a friend for a reality check. She assured me that I had done nothing wrong and pointed out to me that my kids were fine. They were off playing not caring for one second that we weren't going anywhere. You see I had made all that up in my mind. I made it up that we had to go somewhere, that it had to be fun, it had to be new and exciting and perfect. I had left the present moment for the future the night before and never returned. I was living in the future and my expectation was that it would be better than now.

I cried, she comforted me and I settled back into the present.

I thanked her and we hung up. We would stay home. I realized it was late here in the present and we hadn't eaten, so I packed the kids up and we went to Applebee's.

Living in the Present

I was now in the present but I was sad and upset that I had been so stuck in the future and so mean to myself. I did what any girl would do and I bypassed the salads and chicken breasts and went straight for the boneless chicken wings and sweet potato fries (with three dipping sauces). It made me feel good for the first bite or two, but as I got into it, I started feeling myself wanting to be mean to myself again. Really, chicken wings and fries? I barely fit into my jeans and shorts already. I should have ordered something healthy. I was emotional eating and I knew it.

I am Loveable

Just as the berating was reaching its height, I pushed a boneless wing around on my plate and saw another in the shape of a heart. It stopped me and that mean old voice in my head right then and there. I knew it was a sign from the universe that I was loved and loveable no matter what. No matter if I was fun mom or not that day. No matter if my jeans fit or not. No matter if I ate lettuce or fries slathered in sauce; I could love myself anyway. I don't have to be perfect or pleasing to others. It is okay if I have a bad day, get caught up in thinking of the future and forget to be present. I'm doing the best I can and that is enough. I'm glad I was paying attention because I was about the head down the path of self-loathing again.

That little heart shaped chicken wing was my message from the universe reminding me that love is always a choice for me. I don't have to rely on others to give it to me, I can give it to myself. No matter what I do or don't do I am worthy of love, especially my own.