My anxiety is what makes me a good friend, a good student, a good person. I’m early to everything because if I am late to anything I feel as though I might throw up. I follow every assignment I’m given to the letter because if I don’t, I could fail. I give the people in my life everything that I can because I am worried that if I don’t, I will lose them. I try desperately to be nice to everyone I meet because I think about every awkward or awful social interaction everyday of my life and wonder if a person that I will never see again, thinks badly of me.
Because of these “benefits” I have been afraid to admit that I have this problem. How could I even tell people that I worry about everything? That’s normal right? It’s not. Yes I am allowed to be nervous before I take a test and I am supposed to shake a little when I have to drive in the rain, but I should not be so afraid of everything. When a test comes in front of me, I think about my entire future and how if I miss too many questions and I could fail. Then I would end up failing the class, eventually I’d fail all of my classes and I’d have to drop out of school and oh God what would I do then? When I drive in the rain I hold onto the wheel so tightly that my knuckles turn white because what if the car slips and I get into an accident and I get hurt or worse, I hurt someone else. What would everyone think of me then?
But these are not rational fears. And I know that I am not the only person who has to suffer like this everyday and wonder if they are overreacting as they worry about their worrying. If anyone reading this feels even half of this anxiety, this is the sign to get help. But even before that, it’s important to recognize how big of a step that is.
When someone is anxious, it’s not easy to admit. They’re chronic over-thinkers who believe that this is probably normal and they just can’t handle the life that they have. But how can you admit that? I’ve come to realize that the answer is actually pretty simple.
Choose yourself everyday. Choose to realize that it is okay to not be okay. The people in your life who truly love you will help and encourage you to get better, I promise. The hardest part for me was to recognize that the way I feel isn’t normal. That recognition comes with a lot of emotional baggage and a lot of crying. But it also comes with hope and relief because I can finally start to enjoy my life the way that I am meant to.
Seeking help and admitting that there is an issue is not an overnight fix. It’s a process and one that I myself am just beginning. No one will have the same experience as me just as no one worries about the exact things that I worry about. But we are always stronger than our own minds make us think we are and though it is thoroughly okay to not be okay, I know that someday I won’t worry like this. And I will still be an amazing human being without my anxiety.
