The concept of friendship is as nebulous as the concept of love. Love can be romantic or platonic, chaotic or calming, a choice or a helpless circumstance. It’s a multi-faceted feeling that gets endlessly explored in media and art – as it should be, since the best way to understand something is to engage with it. However, the many forms and faces of friendship are being undersold.
If your partner is sick, you take a day off from work or stay home from school and it’s an acceptable excuse. If someone in your partner’s family dies, you go to the funeral. But when it’s a friend, it’s somehow less legitimate. It’s not acceptable to take care of your friends like it is to take care of your partner. It seems to reflect the ever-smaller circles Americans especially tend to have. According to the American Sociological Review, since 1985, the average American has gone from three close confidants to two, with 25 percent reporting that they have no close confidants. More and more people rely on their family or partners exclusively. While there’s nothing wrong with having support from your family and partner, it’s worrying that our society is trending towards losing any other sources of support.
Additionally, since friendships are seen as secondary to romantic relationships, their endings are muted. Not to the person experiencing it (the pain can be immense), but in other ways. It’s usually not a fully fledged break up, like in romantic relationships, but a gradual process of drifting apart. There’s no closure. Life just gets in the way and there’s no responsibility to keep up with each other. Friends fall by the wayside easily. There’s also no language for talking about losing friendships. Even the term “breakup” seems romantic in connotation. You can’t articulate it, so you don’t address it and you end up carrying it with you.
If you’re single, it’s easy to feel incomplete. Even with many friends, there’s an unspoken sentiment that to be without a partner is to be alone – the term “single” encapsulates that perfectly. You’re an unpaired sock in a world where pairing off neatly is essential. Friends are perfectly able to fulfill your emotional needs (and in the case of friends with benefits, your sexual ones too), but it’s still not “enough.” There’s undeniably a special kind of intimacy in romantic love, but this is not the only kind of intimacy and it’s not better than that in platonic relationships – just different.
On the other hand, when you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to neglect your friendships. Your partner (in a good relationship) truly lives up to the word: they go 50/50 with you in the venture of life. However, no one person can be everything. It’s unrealistic and unfair to both of you to not nurture your other relationships, and it can end the relationship. I broke up with my last partner because I realized I was no longer growing as an individual – only as a pair. I didn’t want to be defined by this one person and I had let that happen. I had to wipe the slate clean and rediscover my friends and myself. This was only one factor, but it was significant.
No matter where you are in life, remember to appreciate your friends. Reach out to them often, even with the smallest of gestures. An “I saw this and thought of you!” text is often enough. Sincerely ask them how they are doing, not because you’re supposed to, but because you want to know. Keep your heart and your support system wide. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and connect to others. Our lives are improved by the connections we make, not the ones we wish to have.
