It's been over one entire year since you last spoke to me. More than 365 days since you last showed your face.

You've missed so many milestones in my life in this past year, and actually in all of the years prior. You weren't there when I graduated high school last May or when I left for college last August. But you also missed out on all three of the proms I went to, when I got my license two years ago, and almost all of my games throughout my athletic career. I resent a lot and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry at you for anything, but I will say that I have a much more mature outlook on the situation now.

Before this entire year of silence, I never was able to accept your absence. You always had this struggle with addiction and I was always too naïve to see it, let alone accept it. My heart always wanted to believe the best in you, so for years, it would tell my brain that it was wrong whenever any negative thoughts crossed my mind. Then one day, it's like a switch got flipped inside of me and my heart no longer won.

I began to see so clearly what you were doing, who you really were and why you treated the ones you claimed to love so poorly. You never felt whole, you never felt like you had enough, you never felt like you were loved enough and you decided to seek it out elsewhere. First, it was cigarettes, then it was a bottle and now it's escalated to far worse things. I used to cover for you and protect you, but now if you ever showed up I'd probably call you out right on the spot.

This fall at college, I started the best chapter of my life so far. All of my new friends didn't know me like people did back home, and they certainly didn't know anything about you. For awhile we didn't really get into family stuff or the skeletons in our closets, but I remember exactly when we did. I was hanging out with my roommate and a few of our friends when I caught myself saying, I used to have two sisters. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I sort of just sat there and thought about what I said. Then I realized, that's exactly how I felt- well sort of.

Technically, I've always had two sisters. Technically, I always will.

But like any other relationship, if you don't benefit from it then you don't have to continue it exactly as it was. For now, I cannot continue our relationship as it was. After all, the only time I benefitted from our relationship was when I was a baby. But the only proof I have of this is all of the old home movies since I don't have any actual memories of it. As I started to grow up, all I remember is how you were around less and less. Then on the rare occasions that you'd show up, you always needed something from dad, get caught in a lie, start a fight with someone or begged us to crash at our house. Perhaps someday we'll mend our relationship, but not until it loses its toxicity and you get clean.

I've had these feelings and many others pent up for a long time now, and trust me I have many more. But this is a start to getting it off my chest. Since I don't have an address for you, a phone number or any contact with you whatsoever, this was my best option. I know you'll find this somehow, since I've caught you liking a few of my articles before. If you never read this, then oh well, maybe some other people will relate and benefit from reading it.

To sum everything up, you've hurt me and robbed me of the relationship I should have with you. You've broken my heart and run away every time. But I am old enough to know that you aren't the only one doing this, it's your addiction as well.

I hope that wherever you are, you are safe. I hope that whatever you are doing, is helping you get back on your feet. I hope that if you ever read this, you process the fact that I still care about you and I want a relationship with you. But you have to get better first.