I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression.
I'm also a college student.
These two worlds don't mix.
I miss class a lot. Not because I want to, but because my brain tells me to. I feel like I am constantly in a tug of war with my brain. Against itself.
Basically, this is how it breaks down:
Normal side of my brain:
"We have class at this this and this time today"
Depression side of my brain:
"but the bed is so comfortable. Just show up next meeting. Say you're sick."
Anxiety side of my brain:
"BUT WHAT IF THE TEACHER YELLS AT US FOR MISSING CLASS."
ADHD side of my brain:
"how do mermaids pee?"
"Five more minutes. I just want to sleep"
"No, we need to go to class. We can sleep tonight."
"if we don't leave now (thirty minutes before class), We're gonna be late."
"BUT how do mermaids pee?"
"can we watch netflix?"
"No, we are getting dressed and going to class."
"But I'm tireddddd"
"We have fifteen minutes. We gotta go, NOW."
And I feel horrible. Every time I look at the clock and see that I should be in class, I cry. but it is literally that conversation or one very similar to it that happens in my brain. I can't keep up. Usually depression wins and I sleep. Sometimes anxiety wins and I just hide in my room all day. Sometimes ADHD wins and I go eat. Either way, I rarely win.
When my friends ask where I am, I can't answer honestly. I'm too ashamed. So usually the answer is "I'm sick" though I be perfectly healthy.
When asked "how are you?" and my answer is "tired" I mean it. Because I am. I am so tired.
I pushed so many people away, and I hate myself for it.
I look back on these last two years of school and just wonder what happened. Like I feel like I am just a shell of who I once was.
I want to go back. I want to get back to old me. I just don't know how. The only thing I know is this: I feel so alone. And, "I'm sick."