I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression.
I'm also a college student.
These two worlds don't mix.
I miss class a lot. Not because I want to, but because my brain tells me to. I feel like I am constantly in a tug of war with my brain. Against itself.
Basically, this is how it breaks down:
Normal side of my brain:
"We have class at this this and this time today"
Depression side of my brain:
"but the bed is so comfortable. Just show up next meeting. Say you're sick."
Anxiety side of my brain:
"BUT WHAT IF THE TEACHER YELLS AT US FOR MISSING CLASS."
ADHD side of my brain:
"how do mermaids pee?"
Depression:
"Five more minutes. I just want to sleep"
Normal:
"No, we need to go to class. We can sleep tonight."
Anxiety:
"if we don't leave now (thirty minutes before class), We're gonna be late."
ADHD:
"BUT how do mermaids pee?"
"can we watch netflix?"
Normal:
"No, we are getting dressed and going to class."
Depression:
"But I'm tireddddd"
Anxiety:
"We have fifteen minutes. We gotta go, NOW."
ADHD:
"I'M HUNGRYYY"
Normal:
"AAAAAHHHHHHH"
And I feel horrible. Every time I look at the clock and see that I should be in class, I cry. but it is literally that conversation or one very similar to it that happens in my brain. I can't keep up. Usually depression wins and I sleep. Sometimes anxiety wins and I just hide in my room all day. Sometimes ADHD wins and I go eat. Either way, I rarely win.
When my friends ask where I am, I can't answer honestly. I'm too ashamed. So usually the answer is "I'm sick" though I be perfectly healthy.
When asked "how are you?" and my answer is "tired" I mean it. Because I am. I am so tired.
I pushed so many people away, and I hate myself for it.
I look back on these last two years of school and just wonder what happened. Like I feel like I am just a shell of who I once was.
I want to go back. I want to get back to old me. I just don't know how. The only thing I know is this: I feel so alone. And, "I'm sick."
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