Over the past year, I've been on this "journey" back to God. What I mean by that is, I've been a believer and a follower of Christ all my life. I was baptized when I was seven and even before then, my parents taught me about God and allowed me to attend Sunday School and participate in various church traditions that would allow me to develop a bond with God. Over the years, though we had changed churches a couple of times, I had developed a pretty great relationship with God and with church and I thought, this is good. However, college changed things for me.

My "church" friends all went to different schools than me and we slowly drifted apart because well, distance is tough and college is about making new friends and becoming who you think you want to be. I was single for the first time in a year and a half and I began going to parties and hanging out with new friends. I joined a sorority and became really involved in that. Eventually, I found myself in a place I hadn't been before. I wasn't attending church regularly or at all most months and now realizing what I didn't see then, I had lost my way with God. I lost sight of what He could do for me. I began to question if what I believed and treasured all those years was just a fabrication of what my parents and my community wanted me to believe. I questioned (unfortunately and with sadness) was God even real.

My life seemed to be all over the place. My grades were terrible. I was in a relationship that became unhealthy about ten months in. I was partying and drinking and avoiding church. I even went so far as to believe that I was still a good Christian because I believed in God and that I didn't need to go to church to be a believer. Though that may be true in some ways, I now realize that my mindset was so wrong. I was all over the place because God was trying to show me that these things that were weighing me down and testing my moral compass were not good for me. I didn't see it that way then, but ... it has always been God whose had my back.

You see, it wasn't until I graduated college and was faced with the obstacle of taking on the "real" world alone that I realized, I needed someone. My parents are supportive and have always been there for me. My friends, both graduating before and with me, had my back and did their best to guide me in the right direction. I had a "plan" and was going to be starting graduate school in the Fall. I seemingly had everything a new college graduate should need to be successful. But yet, something was ... missing.

See, as I said, I was always highly involved in church. Some of my favorite adolescent memories come from mission work and singing in the youth choir with my best friends. I knew my place with God (or so I thought). However, as I slowly began to drift away and the landscape of my life began to change, there was always a sense that something was missing. Or maybe a better word would be lacking. Something or some part of my life was lacking.

June 5, 2016

My parents decided that they wanted to go back to the church we had been attending previously and without hesitation I agreed to go with them. The day we started going back was June 5th and that was the day everything changed. That's where my "journey" began.

I walked into TrueNorth Church and I suddenly remembered what it was that I was looking for and what it was that was missing and lacking for so long. It's that feeling where you walk into your room meaning to grab something and suddenly you can't remember what you were supposed to grab, so you walk back out and a few minutes later, it comes back to you. See, I had walked out long ago thinking I knew what i was looking for and truthfully, I think that's what I needed to do. I needed to walk out so that I could come back with fresh eyes and a new perspective. I knew that everything I had gone through and all the choices that I had made along the way had lead me back to that very moment.

I cried that day at church because my heart was filled with so much joy, peace, and comfort. The past year and a half prior to returning to church had been one of the toughest years of my life and had caused me to question how God could love me but yet put me through so much pain and heartbreak. My mom kept telling me that God had a plan for me and that it would surface when God's timing for my life was perfect. I shrugged her off so many times because I just didn't believe her words.

The more I attended church, Sunday after Sunday, I began to feel like even in the chaos of my life, there was a calm that seemed to fall over me even in the less than perfect moments of my life. Those words that my mom kept telling me "God's timing is perfect" seemed to play through my mind daily. The sermons at church seemed to relate to my life in all the right ways and Pastor Steve seemed to be speaking to me every single Sunday. Throughout my week, I found myself listening to the worship music from that past Sunday and sharing with others the messages I had gained myself in hopes that they would help others. I even specifically remember listening to a song and completely breaking down in my car. That was a defining moment for me.

"Trust It All" - Ben Stanfill

I listened to this song and wept.

My life is in Your hands I trust it all, I trust it all to You
My dreams and all my plans I trust it all, I trust it all
Forever I am changed, I'll never be the same
Because of Your love, because of Your love

I heard these words and realized that for so long I had been trying to control my life. I had been trying to do everything my way whether it was pleasing to God or not. I had been trying to be someone that I and God knew I wasn't. The moment I finally let God back in, he opened my heart up to so many new possibilities. For the first time in years, I was letting God take control of my life. I had decided to give Him all of my plans and dreams because I trust in Him. My life changed forever on June 5th. My outlook on life became anew. My dreams became more real and more exciting because I knew that if what I wanted was what God had planned for me, there was no way I was going to fail. I knew that even though I fail Him every single day of my life and even though I had wandered away from Him, he had always been there. He never left me. Never. And, above all, He loved me still the same.

All the moments that I needed God more than anything, he was there. When my four-year relationship ended devastatingly, he was there. Everything that I didn't need in my life, friendships and my four-year relationship included, he removed from my life so that I could see that his plan for my life had always been greater than my own. I was so blinded by the life I had planned for myself that I didn't realize that the life I was planning for would eventually lead me to an unfulfilled and unsatisfied place. But even still, God was there for me. I know he was there because he gave me the courage to come back home to him on June 5th and ever since, I've heard him clearer than I ever did before.

I'm not worthy of His love and the amazing life He has planned for me. I fail him daily and I do things that I know are not pleasing to him. I question his love for me when things don't pan out exactly how I would like them to and even still, even in those moments of failure, I know he's there and he always will be because even when I wandered away from Him, He clung to me and awaited my return. He gives his love freely and though I'm not worthy of that love always ... that's exactly why and when I need him more than ever.

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you. I give men in return for you, people's in exchange for your life." - Isaiah 43:4

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” - Hebrews 12:2