This week seemed to have been bad news after bad news. I was hopeless. I was defeated. I was not okay. I usually try to hide it. Not everyone needs to know what's going on with me. I always need to be the happy one that makes others smile. But as I kept thinking, why do I have to be that person?

I'm human. I battle things every day of my life. I make mistakes. Why do I need to put on this façade? Everyone has those weeks, months, and even years. So today, I decided to announce that I am not okay. I'm losing my mind with worry. I have way too much on my plate. And things just aren't going well for me right now. But guess what, that's okay.

We can't be this happy poster child all the time. Trust me, I tried. It just builds up emotions that one day explodes on you making it ten times worse. Embrace your emotions. Cry if you need to, yell at an object if it helps, put on your big kid pants and deal with it. Life is tough.

Earlier this week I had someone ask me how I was doing, the best answer I could come up with is "No, I'm grieving. It's a normal response". My teacher looked surprised at my answer because not many people bluntly say how they are feeling. We try to be these polite and respond quietly with 'I'm fine." Fine is not an emotion. It is simply a placeholder for the actual state of mind you are in.

It seems silly that the only emotions we let ourselves feel publically are happiness and anger. What's wrong with letting someone know you are sad? Everyone is too afraid to feel broken nowadays. I don't get why. Haven't you heard the Marilyn Monroe quote, "sometimes we fall apart so that better things can fall together"?

So from now on, I'm not going to answer with a placeholder for the politeness of another. If you ask me how I am doing, and I know you pretty well, chances are I'm going to tell you. I don't want to feel whole right now because there is a void in it. I'm going to let myself feel down, only to pick myself up when I'm good and ready. So, no, I'm not okay, and right now I don't want to be.