I’ve heard the phrase, “Nobody can love you, unless you love yourself first…” over and over again. In my opinion, though, it’s hard! It’s literally so hard to love yourself, when you hate everything about yourself. When you want to be someone else constantly. When people put you down because of your flaws or when the voice in your head screams you’re not good enough. I look at what our society thinks of as beautiful these days and all I can think is; I can never look like that. I’m short, yes I have nice boobs, but I have no ass, my legs are stumpy, etc... I could go on all day. I feel in this generation where we say everyone is their own kind of beautiful, we still constantly judge each other’s looks. It’s literally exhausting wondering what I have to do to be considered beautiful.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated the way I looked. I hate how my eyes are slanted and aren't blue, I hate how I'm not a blonde, I hate how short I am, etc…It’s an endless cycle of staring in the mirror wishing I was someone else. I’ve never thought of myself as pretty or the type of girl guys would ever want. Sure, I’m called beautiful or pretty by my family and close friends, but I’ve never felt it, truly. Sometimes when I’m in public I’ll look at a pretty girl and wonder, is her life easy? Does she have the same insecurities I do? She can’t, she’s too gorgeous to have any problems in her life. I can remember thoughts like this as early as middle school. Constantly judging myself and comparing myself to other girls. As I get older, my insecurities become worse, especially because of High School and College. I have very beautiful friends who all the guys want to talk to. Nobody ever wants to talk to me, and if they do; it’s just to get to my friends. My confidence sinks lower and lower all the time because of this. My mind keeps wondering what do I have to do to be considered pretty or one of them. A lot of times I’ll ask myself, if I do this with my hair would more people like me? Or if I dress like this, maybe this guy would talk to me. It’s always a battle in my head asking myself these questions.

I’ve always had this thing against blondes, mostly because I always lose to blondes. Whether it be pageants, cheerleading tryouts or for a boy's heart; I always come in second place. I always think of myself as a Blair Waldorf from "Gossip Girl," or Brooke Davis from "One Tree Hill;" always coming in second to blonde best friends. It’s frustrating, I want to be a blonde so badly because I still think that is my golden ticket to guys wanting me and everything good in life. But, as a half Asian with naturally tan skin; it’s just not my thing. I tried, though, I tried so hard and every different shade of blonde was dyed to my hair. But it just didn’t look good on me, ever. I finally realized that dark hair was key for me, and I had to stop pretending to be something I wasn’t; even if it was just a hair color. My friends always laugh when I say I wish I was blonde like them, and they say you’re beautiful in your own way. I know I am beautiful, but it’s just hard to feel it.

As I write this, I realize I do everything to impress everyone else but me. My whole life I’ve altered my appearance for other people. Whether it be a change of hair color, different make-up styles, clothing choices, loss of weight; I’ve done everything for them, but what have I done for me? Is this the reason I don’t love myself? Because I do it for everyone else? Sometimes I wonder if that’s it, while other times I just think I’m not worthy of feeling beautiful. As I get older, I realize I really do have to learn how to love myself, and I will eventually. With everyone wanting to walk around looking like beauty queens, it’s hard to be yourself. However Selena Gomez has a song called, "Who Says" that states, “I’m no beauty queen, I’m just beautiful me,” and I think it’s an amazing lyric. It’s true too, just because you’re not someone’s ideal vision of beauty; doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful. However, it’s one thing to write or say it, but it’s another thing to believe it. I think it’s time I finally start loving myself and thinking of myself as beautiful. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday I will, and I can’t wait.