After four years of working in retail, I thought that was by far the most obnoxious industry....then I started working in food service. I consider myself a realistic optimist (or a pessimist, if you want to call it that) but some of the things I see or hear make me want to change that label to a misanthrope. If you've ever worked as a hostess, you know this feeling. Between balancing carry out orders, calculating wait times, and dealing with customers that think you not having a table ready for them is a sign of communism coming, if you've ever worked as a hostess, you know how obnoxious the following questions are.
1. “Do you have patio seating?”
I’ve had grown men and women throw tantrums that put toddlers to shame because there is a wait to sit outside. What is so damn important about sitting outside that you're acting like I spat on your face? What is the appeal? I don’t know why. I never want to eat outside. It’s hot, it’s windy, you can get dust in your food, a leaf could fall in it, a bug could crawl in it—all of these things are probably going to happen, but customers act shocked when they do. A leaf fell in your water? You’re outside. It’s too humid? Ma’am, it’s the middle of July.
2. “But you have tables open.”
Do you see how many servers we have? Four. Do you see how many tables are full in this establishment? More than a reasonable amount for each server to cover without service moving at a snail’s pace and your server looking like a Mr. Krabs meme.
3. “We’ve been waiting for ten minutes and no one has come by!”
Sir, did you read the sign that said to wait to be seated? Why did you seat yourself? And why are you yelling about not having service when you failed to alert the hostess, who would have then alerted the server that you are here?People need to read.
4. “Just tell the delivery guy to drive faster.”
Okay, so you want me to endanger my driver’s life by making him drive faster in the pouring rain? You do realize that there’s a good chance he also speaks very little English, right? How am I supposed to communicate with him? Even if I could, I can’t text him while he’s driving.
My biggest issue with food service is that people assume you have control over things you don’t. The rain dictates my delievery times. Who do you think I can call up to make it stop raining? Thor? Does Thor even control the weather? I don’t know. I’m writing this article on a Friday night before a three day, double shift after coming off a ten hour day so it’s a slight miracle I even know what I’m writing.
5. “Where can I put my stroller?"
Dear customer, I didn’t subject myself to minimum wage to hear your weak pull-out game scream for five hours when it specifically says on the website that we aren’t kid friendly.
6. “Do you have a kids menu?”
No, we do not have a kids’ menu. We are an Asian restaurant so we certainly don’t have Mac and Cheese. No, we don’t have cranyons either. I understand that it is hard to keep children controlled when the main objective of a dinner is talk over food when children would rather stare at their iPads than look at your face, but at least attempt to control your children. If they run around the restaurant, restrain them. If they climb up ontop of the bar table, definitely restrain them. Because if they fall, we have to pay for their medical care even though you probably can afford it yourself if you can go out for two hundred dollar dinners once a week.
7. “Where’s your bathroom?”
Not a question that will make your blood boil, but you can feel your heart drop when it’s a small child who looks green in the face asks that. Parents, please don’t order your child a dish with an ingredient they have an allergy to. Seriously, you’re going to order your kid a “Spicy Mango Curry” when they’re allergic to mangos? Really? And not even bother to take them home when they vomit on our floor? A+ parenting.
