I remember in high school talking about the show on MTV where they come into your school and have you all sit in the gym, and then split into groups and talk about your secrets by saying, “If you really knew me…". And I remember wanting them to come to my school so that people could know the real me.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I have clinical depression—that some days it’s so bad that I don’t get out of bed. Depression is a constant battle that I’ve been dealing with for four years.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m not the happy person you think that I am—that this smile is fake—that I don’t remember the last time I’ve answered the question "how are you?” with "Good," and actually meant it. Yes, I do have good days, days where I’m actually happy, but those days are few and far between.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I wanted to kill myself—that it got so bad that I spent a week in a mental hospital before senior year. That because I don’t want to live the majority of the time, that all my friends left. Battling depression is a hard thing to do, but it’s even harder to do on your own.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I lie about what my tattoo really means. That I tell you it’s to remind me to stay true to who I am. That it’s to tell me to keep going through whatever life throws at me. But if you really knew me, you’d know that it says “Stay Strong” to tell myself to keep going every day. That it’s there when I want to cut to tell me that I don’t need to self-harm. It reminds me to keep fighting. And that the semicolon is there to remind me that I’m the author of the story of my life, and that I choose to keep writing it.
See, I wanted people to know the real me, because I was tired of hiding—tired of faking. Depression drains every ounce of energy you have, and it's a full-time job. I share this with you in hopes that you understand that everyone has their own battle. That someone could be the happiest person you know, but inside, they're dying.
If you are struggling with depression/ suicidal thoughts, please reach out and get help. You are not alone. You are loved. You are wanted. And you are worth fighting for.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1 (800) 273-8255.
