Losing a parent is never easy. When I was seventeen years old my mom passed away. I was only starting my senior year of high school at the time, and I lost my best friend. Today, almost two years later, there are things I wish I could tell her and ask her. Although part of me knows that some of these questions could not even be answered if she were alive still, I wish I could vocalize them to her.
Mom,
It has been almost two years since you passed away. I still wonder how so much time has passed when it feels like just yesterday you were here with me. I wish there was a phone up in Heaven so I could call you. There are so many things I want to say to you. Since I can't call you, I decided to write you a letter, and at least share some of my thoughts and feelings I have with you.
My first question is simple. Why did you have to go? Why did you go so soon? I wanted you to see me graduate high school and start college. I wanted you there on moving day to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that you were only a call away. This brings me to my second question. Do you know how hard it is for me without you? I wish I could call you and tell you how much I love you, and that sometimes I just need your advice. It was hard to graduate without you, too. Imagine graduating high school and watching everyone take photos with their moms. You weren't there to take one with me. I cried knowing you would be proud, but I also cried because you were not there.
My next question may be more complex. Why did you continue to treat yourself so badly? You had so many chances to be healthy and you ruined it. Sometimes I wonder if you had stopped, would you still be here today or would things would be different? You had so much to live for and so many people supporting you. Why did you not listen to us? Regardless, we all love you so much to this day. We miss you.
I guess three questions like that is a little overbearing, and I'm sorry about that. I have a few more things I just wanted to say to you. I want you to know how I feel. This may come off harsh, but you need to hear this. First of all, I don't get it. I don't understand why you didn't help yourself when you could have. I wish the addiction stopped and you could have listened to what I said. Second of all, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all the fights we had and the times I would not talk to you. I know that it doesn't mean a lot now but I am so sorry, Mom. I never meant to be so distant with you and say all the nasty things I said. I didn't mean any of them. You are my mother and I love you. I think it is also fair to mention that without you life has been a bit of a living Hell. Yes, I have so many people in my life who love and support me, but you aren't here. That is the worst part. I did not expect to bury my mother at the age of seventeen. I did not expect to get married without you and do so any amazing things without you in my life. I hope that makes sense to you. I know it seems selfish and I know that sometimes things don't work out how you want them to, but do you get how hard it is for me? I know that you would not want me to feel this way, but I do. On a lighter note, I miss you. I miss you more than you probably understand. Not having my mother in my life is difficult, but I promise you that I am strong and determined to make you proud no matter what. I promise that I will be the woman you always wanted me to be.
With that being said, I love you so much.
Love always,
Livie
