We're finally all moved in and probably have attended our first few classes. The years of dreading back to school season is over when you’re heading back to the greatest university on planet Earth (or at least in northern Ohio. Nice try, Toledo). Although getting back into a routine, and starting to progress toward your degree, is exciting, you’re probably more excited to get back into the one and only BG bar scene. The bars give you the chance to get drunk, dance like nobody’s watching and meet some boys along the way. But what if the bars were boys?
1. Clazel.
Clazel is your classic Tap-Out shirt wearing, red “100” emoji overusing loser whose best friends are sophomores in high school. He will like your Instagram photo on his account “BallISLiFE69swag” and then, when you don’t express interest in him, will cry out to Twitter that nice guys finish last (although he thinks catcalling is a form of flattery). In your rebellion of being away from home for the first time, Clazel might be the guy you run to just to try it out, but after you’re done, you deem that a freshman mistake that is to never be spoken of again. I hate to use the word in the definition here, but he is the kind of guy who goes to Clazel.
2. Tiki.
Tiki owns shorts in every pastel color available, overuses hair gel and wears Sperrys even in the midst of winter. Even if you’re just walking around campus, or stopping at Polleyeyes for dinner, he will ask you “who do you know here?” He plays faithful, and puts on a façade that he will be a fun relationship until he cheats on you with your sorority sister. Just as Tiki in bar form is attached to another bar, Tiki in man form is attached at the hip to his fraternity brothers. You think he could be the one, but as soon as you look closely, you realize there’s so many women in his life that in a room full of them, you could hardly even walk around.
3. Liquid
Liquid is the hot, yet, pervy guy. He goes to bars that are known for dancing just so he can creep up behind a girl and he hopes that she’ll shake it a few times before she realizes he’s there. He’s the kind of guy who texts you, “what would u be doin if I was there?;)” and asks random girls over Twitter direct message if they’ll send nudes. He’s very good looking which draws a lot of people in but, at most, he’s your friend with benefits. His personality isn’t great ,but he’s not bad for a good time.
4. Shots.
Shots is the first guy you see, and the one you settle for while you’re looking for Mr. Right. He’s nice enough, there’s nothing glaringly off about him, but he’s just not the one. There’s a lot of girls attracted to him, mostly younger, but you always feel like he likes you the best. You certainly won’t marry him, but he’s good to date while you’re looking for the one. You're just not that interested, but you always come back.
5. The Attic.
The Attic is your country guy. He wears flair jeans, flannels and cowboy hats. He’s the outdoorsy type, likes to drink beer and hunt. At first, you think that he’s the lyrics to a Luke Bryan song, the stereotypical ripped country boy that any movie set on or near a farm has, but then you see him using both hands to palm a girl’s butt to hoist her up onto a stripper pole and then drink his beer as he watches said butt a little too closely and you realize, hmm, maybe he isn’t the one for me.
6. Tubby's.
Tubby’s is your classic story of the dork turned sexy, the male Cady Heron. He used to be a studious nerd who everybody looked over, and then out of nowhere he became attractive and irresistible. You think because he spent so much time being looked over that you’ll have no problem getting his attention, but now in his newfound popularity he can’t even see you over all the people who are into him. He’s a Plastic and you’re just Janice Ian sitting on the sidelines watching him get more and more popular. You’re ready for him, but he’s just not ready for you quite yet.
So, there you have it; those are the bars if they were men. You may mess around with them, cry over them, get drunk over them and swear never to go back to them. Bars and boys do have one major thing in common -- after you leave them, nothing will make you feel better like a dozen cookies, a $5 Domino's grab-and-go pizza and a deep sleep.
