As election season quickly approaches and caucus season begins, the current chaos that is the American political system could benefit from a helpful voting guide. Not sure about your political beliefs? Can’t navigate the GOP? Just want the campaign calls to stop? Take the hassle out of choosing a candidate, and instead, choose your favorite Ivy League school.
Brown: Dr. Ben Carson
Dr. Carson gained political ground as yet another GOP outsider candidate, but continued to remain popular for his refusal to speak politically correct. His commitment to speaking his mind gives him the free spirit attitude Brown is known for. And then of course there is Carson’s “These Hands” campaign ad. Because nothing captures the stoner reputation of Brown quite like staring at morphing hands for an entire 60 seconds.
Columbia: Marco Rubio
With his work on immigrant reform and increased diversity, Marco Rubio has attracted many young conservative voters. Rubio is the ultimate hipster candidate trying to gain traction with an edgy plan. Like Columbia, Rubio has the shine of New York City to help ease the pain that comes with the nickname “Yale’s Wait List.” Luckily this status gives him more time to become a connoisseur of club culture.
Cornell: Bernie Sanders
Although all Ivy League schools are elite, Bernie Sanders could only be equated with the most inclusive of the bunch. Known for its significantly higher admission rates compared to other Ivies, Sanders politics fits in with the school known as the “Working Man’s Ivy.” Sanders gets the legitimate namesake of an Ivy along with the common man popularity of a state school.
Dartmouth: Mike Huckabee
Mike Huckabee is the candidate that you hear of every so often, but is too isolated from the rest to keep on your radar. Both Huckabee and Dartmouth are known for their outdoorsy approach to life: Dartmouth for its pre-orientation programs; Huckabee for rigid support of the 2nd Amendment. When you do hear about either, their strict adherence to tradition is sure to come up.
Harvard: John Kasich
Harvard is perhaps best known for three things: its intelligence, its reputation, and its connections. John Kasich’s platform pretty much relies on all of the attributes of the school. While his intelligence and reputation have given him legitimacy as he has moved forward in the race, he shows his Crimson spirit most by his reliance on a long awaited GOP victory of his native state Ohio. Also he once met Bono.
University of Pennsylvania: Carly Fiorina
Carly Fiorina is one of those cases where most of the time you forget she is a presidential candidate just like people tend to forget University of Pennsylvania is not actually a state school. Whenever either are addressed, you can be sure to hear about their business successes as neither would have a very impressive track record without the Wharton School or Hewlett Packard.
Princeton: Jeb Bush
After both his father and brother served presidential terms, Jeb Bush threw himself in the presidential race. In true Princeton style, he has promoted this atmosphere of a familiar elite. Bringing his Southern charm to the table has also managed to turn his campaign into a popularity contest at the political country club.
Yale: Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton approaches the presidential race with the same dedication to intelligence and legitimacy known at Yale. Her connections lie below the surface as well, however. Clinton’s positions on gay marriage over the years have oscillated throughout the years similar to orientations of the students that attend the “Gay Ivy.” Clinton has also showed her love of a good secret society with her association to scandals over her political career, the most recent being her leaked emails from her account as Secretary of State.
Honorable Mention
Stanford: Donald Trump
In the eyes of many, Stanford is considered an Ivy League school just as Donald Trump seems to be seen as a legitimate political candidate. While both do have past credentials that back them up, like Stanford showed in the Rose Bowl, neither seem to know when to stop.
