Anxiety has consumed me. It came on suddenly, and took over me, with which I had no control over. I’ve learned to cope with it, finding my own ways to relax when it suddenly attacks. Nevertheless, it’s still there. It is a part of me now. I wake up in the morning, and I feel sick for no reason at all. I go to school, and it makes class unbearable to sit through. I hang out with my friends, and it takes away all of the fun. Sometimes I think about what life would be like if it just stopped.
If it stopped, I would wake up and look at the clock, excited for the day to begin. I wouldn’t feel sick, and I could eat my breakfast without forcing it. I would pick out a cute outfit because I had the motivation to do so. I would throw on a pair of heels because it wouldn’t matter if anyone looked over in my direction. I would put on my favorite lipstick- the dark color that people never wear to class. If I were not having an anxiety attack for being in public, it wouldn’t matter if anybody judged me. I would be proud. After getting ready, I would happily leave my house because I knew it would be a great day. I wouldn’t have to worry about wanting to retreat to my bedroom because my bedroom would be the last place I want to be.
If it stopped, I would walk into class with confidence. I wouldn’t sit in the seat closest to the door in case I needed to walk out to catch my breath. I would sit near the front because I would be even more ecstatic to learn knowing the teacher isn’t giving me a look of concern out of the corner of her eye. I would listen to all of the lectures, and write down all of the notes without missing important information because I could actually focus. In class, I would happily talk to the students next to me and make friends. I wouldn’t freak out whenever there was a class discussion because I wouldn’t be afraid to talk to people. I would even raise my hand and answer questions, because I found the confidence in my intelligence.
If it stopped, I wouldn’t need to constantly come up with excuses not to hang out with my friends. No matter what the plans are, I would say yes. I would go to the movies because I know that two hours is a short amount of time, and nothing bad will happen to me while I’m there. I would go to a party because meeting new people would once again be my favorite thing to do, and I would no longer be afraid of crowded rooms. I would go out to eat with my boyfriend, and have frequent dates because I wouldn’t be too nervous to be in public. I wouldn’t be afraid of feeling sick at a restaurant, or being shaky and lightheaded wherever we choose to go. On the contrary, I would even go places alone. I would find my motivation to do what I love without needing someone there to watch over me. I would go to the park, or spend an evening on the beach, because solitude wouldn’t scare me.
Unfortunately, anxiety is a part of me. I can’t escape it because it is not under my control. But, I can face it. It’s time I stop avoiding it. If I want to go to a party, I’ll do it because having fun is a better distraction than sitting in my bedroom alone. I’ll go on a date to a restaurant and enjoy every second of it without thinking about how anxious I usually feel there. I will find my motivation to do the things I love, with the people I love, or even on my own. If my anxiety just stopped, life wouldn’t be a challenge. It’s about time I face that challenge.
