I’ve flown quite a few times in my life. I have family flung over hither and yon, and I’m lucky enough to be able to go on a vacation now and again. But now that I’m an adult and flying on my own, it’s probably time I share some of my tips for traveling by air gained through repeated idiotic mistakes.
1. Getting ready to launch
This is the step that requires the most prep-work. Depending on what airline you’re using, you will have to follow their rules for checking in before your flight and what they want in a boarding pass. Sometimes they’ll give an app to display the boarding pass on your phone, but a few still want something printed out, either at home or at the airport.
Remember to pack sufficient ID, have a plan to check or carry your bags on the plane and for the love of God, set out your clothes in advance.
Seriously, this will save you so much time if you happen to run late for an early morning flight. Be sure to include a jacket for a cold destination or air-conditioned flight, and slip-on shoes to get through security more easily. Speaking of…
2. Getting through security
TSA Security screenings are pretty much the nightmare scenario for anyone with even the slightest bit of anxiety. Something about those blue uniforms makes you feel judged like nothing else, even if YOU know you’ve done nothing wrong.
That being said, the TSA don’t really give a crap about you, normal citizen. Follow the 3-1-1 rule (no liquids or gels over 3.4 fluid ounces/100 milliliters that must fit in a 1 quart re-sealable clear plastic bag) for carry-ons and leave your knife and gun collection at home (among other rules).
Move through the line quickly and calmly, and make sure you have everything before you move on.
3. Boarding
This part is the real nightmare -- depending on whether or not you have assigned seating for your particular flight. If you do, you can just sit there looking pretty until your section is called, because nobody’s going to take your seat.
If you’ve elected to use an airline with the Wild-West method of open seating, it gets a little more complicated. When you check in you’ll be assigned a certain boarding position. This means you’ll have to join the line to board in a specific section -- people in the “A” section being the first passengers on board and so on.
If you’re lucky enough to get in ahead of the crowd, bully for you. If not, you’ll just have to deal with the flashbacks from middle school about picking a seat for the first time in a crowded cafeteria.
4. Flying
If you’re on an airplane at this point and still afraid of heights, I am so sorry. But it’s too late for you to back out, so you might as well face your fears with the help of some music and maybe a good book or two. You may or may not be on a plane with entertainment options, so it’s best to pack some of your own fun.
The motion of chewing gum also helps your ears adjust to take-off and landing, so some Trident won’t hurt you. Other than that there’s not much to do besides being nice to the flight attendants and sipping your complimentary soda.
Just be ready to wait awhile after you land. People try to get out of that metal tube like it's the death trap planes used to be.
