You wake up every morning to this feeling of depression in the pit of your chest, the kind that makes it hard to swallow. It’s hard to smile, laugh, eat, and enjoy time with friends to the point where you start making and cancelling plans because you just can’t do anything that day and you didn’t realize it until the moment came where it was time to show your face to your friends. You begin to lose your self worth and every time you see your reflection it’s disgusting in your eyes.
Until you’re with them again.
And that’s when all of these feelings of hatred toward yourself disappears. Happiness floods your lungs as they finally take a breath of air for the first time in hours, days, weeks, or however long it took for you to see that person again. Your person.
However, you’re not always their person.
You’re not just another person either, you’re their target. You’re the person they dump all of their toxins into. They dig their teeth right into your skin and let their poison seep into your veins and you have no idea because you’re so blinded by this unrequited love.
Whether you’re in a relationship, an “undefined" or even a friendship, you know what I’m talking about. You might have been here before, or you might be in it right now. This is what a toxic relationship entails.
You would do anything for them, but they don’t do anything for you.
Or they do only if you do something in return. Whether that return is material, verbal, or even sexual they expect it from you every time you request something. But when they need something, you better drop everything you’re doing. They don’t care that you have other responsibilities, they want you to give them all of your attention when they want it. When they don’t want it, they want nothing to do with you. They don’t want to be with you, or even see you until you’re needed. Until your worth their time. And that time might be varied by hours to weeks, but you wait it out because you know they’ll want you sooner or later.
You only ever feel beautiful when they let you.
I can speak personally from the female perspective on this and girls, you can put on all the makeup in the world that Sephora has to offer and your person will ask you “who are you trying to impress?” There’s no point in wearing makeup because it doesn’t make a difference. When you take off that makeup they’ll ask you “why don’t you ever try to present yourself well?” You also wear what they tell you to wear. “Wear something sexy.” “That’s too short, take that off!” “Why are you in sweat pants, you look like you just woke up.” “Why are you always dressed up?” They constantly go back and forth and you do too. Because all you want is their approval and you’ll never get it. You don’t know that for sure, though, so you keep trying. And the cycle continues.
These relationships are about looks as much as they are words too.
They’ll tell you that you’re not smart enough, not good enough, and not talented enough. They’ll tell you you’re worthless. The things you like are stupid to them so you stop involving yourself in those activities. You stop listening to the music you like, going out to certain places because they don’t like to. You stop hanging out with certain people because they don’t like them. They don’t care what you’re opinion is about any of those things, and they let you know that too. They tell you that liking those things, places, or even a person isn’t OK. So then you begin to think it isn’t either. So you conform to what they like so that you aren’t stupid like the things you once liked. You continue trying to impress them until you get that small compliment. A little praise means the world to you from them because there’s usually none.
When you’re with them you’re afraid to say anything.
And that’s because you don’t want to make them mad at you for talking too much like you usually do. You constantly think about breaking up with them, not speaking to them anymore, or ending your friendship but there’s this small voice inside your head that says this time will pass. That the idea of what they can be will become reality.
You crave their attention. You desire their approval. Every word good or bad from your person is cherished and remembered.
They don’t care for your attention. They couldn't care less about your approval. They don’t remember the last conversation you just had.
Why are you still with them, then? Isn’t it easy to walk away from this? This pain and misery that is this toxic relationship?
The reason why you can’t is because you had hope in this person. There was a future imagined with them when you first started seeing each other because they were so sweet. They made you feel important and wanted. They made you feel beautiful.
You’re wondering when that person who praised you every day will return to sweep you off your feet once more. When your best friend will rise from the ashes and bestow this everlasting friendship of loyalty and respect.
However, it’s been so long now. And that’s when you have to ask yourself if you are in love with this person or the idea of them?
Wake up from this dream you once had with this other person. This person who makes you feel so worthless, so depressed and weak. They should mean nothing to you because you mean nothing to them. They say that you’re important to them and they value you, but where is the action behind those words? Those blatant lies that they tell you and that you soak up to keep you full of hope of happiness. You’re drowning in these mendacities but you have no idea because you’re blind to it. You think you’re in this nightmare and when you wake up it will be to your sweet prince kissing you awake to give you all you hoped for. However the nightmare is actually cruel reality, and it’s time to realize that.
Toxic relationships drain you. They take you and rip you apart until you’re nothing. At least until you believe you’re nothing because of the person you’re in the relationship with uses you for all that you’re worth. And you’re the one who lets them do that. Don’t let this unrequited love blind you and run, run as fast as you figuratively can. Suck out all the poison they’ve forced into you. I promise the taste of it is awful, but the result is sweet. You will find yourself again. I promise. The first step though is awakening to the truth, and you’re the only one who can do that.
