I don’t think I knew what being “gay” meant until I was in fourth grade. Somehow, it had came up in conversation with my mother. I vividly remember her asking me who I had a crush on.
“Is it a boy?” She pried, and I groaned. “Is it a girl?”
“No, why would it be?”
“Just wondering. It doesn’t really matter.”
It doesn’t really matter. I mean, she was right. From then on, I didn’t really see it as a big deal.
I still don’t really see it as a big deal. I think “coming out” should be unnecessary because someone’s sexuality should never be assumed—but yet, here we are.
I’m here, and I’m queer!
I’ve noticed that over the course of my life, my sexuality has always been fluid. In elementary school, I remember being virtually obsessed with these two boys. Everything was pretty standard then, but also, I was only 8. Middle school… things get weird. I had this sinking feeling that something was off. I knew in my head what it was, but I worked so hard to suppress it. There was no representation at all, anywhere. It also didn’t help that I wasn’t aware of anyone else that was like me.
High school put a lot into perspective for me. Suddenly I was launched into this place where people just… didn’t care. There was a GSA and a warm environment and so many people just being like, “this is me. Take it or leave it”. I admired those people—I wished that I could be like them. I resonated with their stories, and I understood their problems. Even still, I found myself to be so, so afraid. All of my life, I had been told to conform; I had been told to be “normal”. What even constitutes as normal? And, why pretend to be something you’re not to achieve this flawed idea of normalcy?
I’ve always seen my identity as this power struggle between who I am and who I should be, and I’m just now realizing that who I am is who I should be. I can like boys, and I can like girls, and I can like everyone in between. That’s the beautiful thing about identifying as queer—it’s the label that evades all labels. I am free to love whoever I want. Sexuality is a fluid thing, and I will never confine myself to fit someone else’s close-minded ideals.
There’s nothing wrong with being who you are, and that’s a lesson I wish I learned a long time ago. I’d like to thank every supportive person in my life for helping me see myself as who I really am. I would be nothing without you. To those who’ve come out before me: you have given me courage. To those who are still struggling: I hope I can give you enough courage to be proud, and to accept yourself. I hope this means something, to someone.
I am finally going to be able to live my truth. And, believe me—the truth really does set you free.
“And love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside.”