I want to know my own self-worth.
I want to live everyday enjoying who I am.
But instead - I've allowed society, my friends, my family, and my community define my self-worth so much so that I feel like I've lost sight of who I am.
If you were to ask me to sum myself up in three words or characteristics, I don't know what I would say. I'd probably think about what others have said about me, "oh she's funny" "she's cute" "she's a sweet girl". But that's not anywhere close to who I am, or who I want to be. Being a psychology major, I know that our personalities are created by society, by what they want us to be. But what happens when we lose track of ourselves?
I don't know who I am. And that's my problem.
My problem stems from allowing other's perception of me to rule over my own. If someone is upset with me, I will immediately assume it is something I have done, and will carry around that guilt until it is resolved. I allow others opinions of me to either make, or ruin my day. I've allowed others to determine how I feel about myself. I constantly am comparing myself to the people around me, determining how I fit into their world, instead of seeing life through a lens of my own. My concept of self is defined by how everyone else views me, instead of how I view myself.
But that's going to change.
They always say the biggest step is admitting the issue. Well, here I am. I'm an insecure, vulnerable, anxious 22 year old who would like to go to bed every night peacefully without second guessing my own sanity. I want to be at peace with who I am, through all my gifts, my strengths, and my weaknesses.
The hardest part is figuring out how to do that. I'm still in the midst of finding the solution to my problem, but here's been my journey so far:
1) I've taken time to spend alone with myself.
I'm a busy body, and this by no means has been easy. But I have made the effort to chose myself. I spend everyday surrounded by so many people, that by the time I get home I need time to myself. I've begun journaling, spending time with the Bible, and just allowing myself to be. I am actively choosing me.
2) I've stayed away from pursuing any relationships.
This one seems silly, but knowing my track record with guys, I feel like it must be said. Anyone who knows me knows that I will constantly put others before myself. And I think that stems from this need to feel fulfilled by others. I need to know who I am confidently enough before I allow a guy to be a part of my identity. I turn down dates when I'm asked, I don't make an effort to go out and meet anyone. I am choosing me, before I am choosing someone else.
3) I've cut down my social circle.
Where I am at in my life, I've discovered that having a big social circle filled with acquaintances hasn't gotten me very far. Especially when most of them could care less about my emotional well being. There is something satisfying about having a big group of people who you can surround yourself with. But there is also something incredibly lonely about that. I've discovered that I would much rather surround myself with a close-knit group of people who are genuinely invested in my friendship, who are going through this journey of life with me, than have a huge group of "friends" who know nothing about me.
In the end, really this is just an experiment for myself. I don't have the answers. But I can tell you that from actively choosing myself, and allowing myself to be "selfish" I am happier than I've been in the past year. I still don't know who I am, or what I want out of life. But I'm not searching for a specific answer to that question. I just want to be able to love myself, regardless of what, or who, comes in and out of my life.
