For those of you that do not know me, I am a fairly small girl and I have PCOS. Now, what is PCOS exactly?

PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is something that usually affects women that are overweight and is mostly known for its effects on the female reproductive system. PCOS affects mainly the ovaries but can affect other things in your body as well.

It is characterized by small cysts that can develop on the ovaries as well as a high chance of weight gain and crazy hormones. What I mean by crazy hormones is that a girl with PCOS will probably have an excess of androgen (commonly high in males) and this imbalance in hormones can cause women to miss many periods or not have any at all.

This is somewhat treatable if you are able to recognize symptoms and go to your gyno to find out more.

I am in no way a doctor but I do know that I have PCOS because of some events during my freshman year in college. I had not had periods for a long time and when I went to my gyno where I got my blood tested and they told me that I had it.

It was a bit rough at first because I strongly believed at that time that I couldn't have kids and this and that but we will get there later. After I found out, my doctor prescribed some estrogen pills to me to help jump-start a period and let me tell you, that was a wild ride.

At that moment in time, I had never drank so the feeling of being unsteady and all around toasted out of my mind was new to me.

It was a fun 10 days (I had a 10 day supply of pills) because it was like being drunk every night and so I had to have my boyfriend make sure I got to bed okay since I was so not all there.

The pills did help for a while but now I am still without my periods and it has been a long time since I've had one.

I was lying awake last night worrying about this though. I don't know what brought this on because most people I share this with thinks that this is such an amazing thing that I don't have to deal with periods.

Let me tell you. It sucks. It sucks because of nights like this when I lay awake and worry if I can ever have kids. If this months gap in a period means that I am slowly becoming more and more infertile.

It freaks me out and I really don't think I can talk to anyone about it because they will either think I'm crazy or not tell me something that will actually help me.

I know that having kids isn't everything but it kind of is to me. I have wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember and the idea of not being able to have them kills me.

For all the other ladies out there with this shitty illness, you can probably agree with me that this sucks. You can also probably agree with me that it will get better and things will work out how they need to.

Kids will come or they won't and if they don't you can adopt no matter how hard it will be at the time.

I just want people out there that think not having a period is 'so cool' and we are 'so lucky' need to shut up and rethink their words because it doesn't.

It absolutely sucks and these are the things that keep me up at night because we can't control this and it just keeps running through my mind that I really screwed up my future.

I just need myself and everyone else to know that it isn't our fault, it gets better, this is not the be all end all of life. Here's hoping that when I get back to my house that we can figure out what happening and you super smart people out there need to work on a solution for us ladies!