I Have A Name, And It Is Not Survivor
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Health and Wellness

I Have A Name, And It Is Not Survivor

This is my story and how I have grown into who I am today

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I Have A Name, And It Is Not Survivor
Photo by Ivan Stern on Unsplash

Warning: This article contains information about trauma and sexual assault that may be triggering for some viewers. Please be advised.


First

2016 was the first time I was ever sexually assaulted. My boyfriend at the time would push and beg, and considering I was much smaller than him, I only had one option. I remember feeling so down for so long. I was ashamed of who I was and what I was. My body image took a drastic turn and I began to eat less and less. My mind would race with the thoughts that I would never be enough for anyone and that I may as well end everything now. I decided one day that I had enough and confronted a teacher I was close with. The process to a "recovery" was long and difficult, but I made it. I was able to truly smile again.

Even though you may feel like you're trapped and that you're never going to get out, you will. Fighting for yourself is the best thing to ever do. I am not saying to fight for yourself in a court room, but to fight for yourself in life. We deserve to be happy and to live life to the fullest.

Second

My first semester of freshman year at college was crazy. There were many parties and many friends. I decided to go out with some friends to a party one night. I was talking to a boy that I was friends with and he needed help getting back to his room. I was already about to go to my room, so I agreed to walk him to the front of his building. As we got there, he insisted that I help him get to his room. When we finally made it to his room, things took a major turn. I remember running to the closest bathroom and hiding, while calling a friend for help. All I could think was "why me, why again?", "what did I do to deserve this?" I decided to speak out about this incident to my college lacrosse coach. She talked to me for hours and encouraged me to get proper help this time. It was still extremely hard for me to accept what had happened, but I got the help I needed.

Getting help from a counselor or reporting the incident will not solve everything for you. It comes with digging deep in yourself to find the passion to keep going. It is extremely hard at first to find that passion, it may take awhile, but it is worth it.

Third

My best friend. He was there for me through a lot of things. He was able to make me smile and to make me laugh when I cried. I always thought that I never wanted to lose him, but that all changed at the end of second semester freshman year. He took advantage of me twice. He took more than that. He took my last breath. He took my laugh and my smile. He took advantage of our friendship. He took advantage of the friendship he had with my boyfriend. He took advantage of life for me. Someone I trusted and loved so dearly, took everything from me. I had not felt this empty before. I thought the last two assaults were bad, but this one hurt more. I cannot even describe everything that I feel from this incident still. It took me a year to come out and share my story. He had such a control over me that I was terrified. Once I started talking, I began to get angry, not upset. I was angry that he got to live his life in peace while I suffered with pain. I was so angry that I texted him. I told him what he did to me and what he took from me. I have never felt more in control of myself than I did in that moment. I was taking myself back. I was not going to let him destroy me any longer. I was going to grow.

Talking is the best first step for recovery. Sharing your story with someone you trust, can make all the difference. Do not ever feel ashamed for wanting to feel strong or powerful from this. Take your story and run with it. Grow with it.

Now

I am now the founder and president of my universities sexual assault organization. Our mission is to inspire others and to help others connect with the resources they need. We want to spread awareness on sexual assault. It should not be a scary or taboo topic to discuss. If we hide it and shame it, then less and less people will come forward. I myself still attend weekly counseling. I want to continue talking and getting angry. I aspire to help others with the same situations.

People want to call me a survivor, but I am not a survivor. I am Emily. I am Me. I am a person just like you, who wants to laugh and smile everyday. Not survive, but to live.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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