September is National Suicide Awareness Month. It is heartbreaking to learn the statistics of suicide; age ranges that are most to least likely, what season has the highest suicide rate, how many people die in how many seconds. Though it’s important to know signs to look for in friends, family, or anyone that may seem to be contemplating suicide and to know how to help them.

But it is also important to know how to cope with losing someone to suicide.

I lost my aunt in eighth grade to suicide. I knew what suicide was but I never understood why someone would choose to kill themselves.

There are many different reasons a psychologist could conclude why someone would choose to end their own life but no one will know the exact reason other than the person who is already gone. People who don’t understand will say the person is selfish because they left their friends and family who are now hurting. I’ve also been told that it’s just an act for attention. Yes, someone has said this. I respect people’s opinion but those opinions -- those opinions are completely inaccurate and absolutely infuriating.

Most people don’t know someone is planning on committing suicide until it happens. Someone can appear to be completely happy putting a smile on their face and interacting with people in pretty much the same way. But they will do little things that are different than usual. Maybe a few more hugs and kisses. A few more “I love you so much,” and “I am so proud of you.” Things so small that you won’t notice until after the fact.

When you lose someone to suicide you may blame yourself but it’s not your fault, there were things beyond you that they were going through. I thought that maybe if I could have sent her a message on Facebook, kept a conversation going with her, maybe something could have changed her mind. Or at least send her a message telling her how much I loved her and missed her even though she knew I did. I wish I could have just said it one more time.

A person who committed suicide was fighting demons that were much greater than themselves which is why suicide awareness is so important to know. But questioning what you could have done will eat you alive.

When I found out my aunt had been suffering from depression I was able to relate and understand a bit more why she did what she did. Someone with depression can struggle to brush their teeth, to shower, to get dressed, to eat, but mostly to get out of bed. But the exhaustion from completing simple physical tasks is nothing compared to the enervation felt from dealing with their mental state.

Depression will make you feel a loneliness that someone without the illness will never understand. You can be surrounded by people that love you and you know they love you but you feel like a ball chained to their ankle, a weight that they have to carry around. Depression is your mind constantly telling you that nothing you do will matter, that there’s no reason to even try.

I would give anything to have my aunt back. I’d give her the biggest hug and tell her how strong she was because of how hard and long she fought. But she isn’t here and I can’t get her back. No one who loses someone to suicide can get them back but what they can do is be grateful.

Be grateful their pain is over.

They aren’t hurting anymore. They aren’t struggling to get through the day. Be grateful that they have finally found peace within themselves.

The last time I saw Aunt Patsy we were at a family gathering. She was wearing a turquoise colored shirt with the sleeves rolled to below her elbows, it was one of my favorite colors so maybe that’s how I remember. She sat on the swing on the porch watching all the kids running around, I would run inside then back out then inside then out and each time I’d just look over and say “Hey Aunt Patsy!” She would smile letting out a little chuckle and wave, “Hi Aubrey!”