To The Humans On Easter, From Cat

To The Humans On Easter, From Cat

I do not like the orange crunchy sticks you put out, please cease the production of these.
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Dear Humans,

During this time of human year when it is less cold outside you place the most wonderful baskets all around with magnificent contents, I approve of this practice.

I enjoy tipping these baskets over and scattering the stringy things about the house so you find them years later behind the couch, deeply embedded in the carpet fibers.

You also introduce these roll-around toys. Some you place in the baskets and some randomly about, I derive great happiness from this. You should always hide things for me to find and destroy.

Some roll-arounds break and some don’t. The physics of which I do not altogether care to discern. Others have smaller objects inside them, none of which taste good, but will disperse them around my domain as I please.

Once again, here is a list of my grievances:

Since you clearly did not understand me the last time, the small humans are still VERY MUCH not allowed in my domain, which is everywhere, even places I don’t know about.

When in doubt, assume that where you are is included in my domain.

All meat and other food items are in my domain, therefore they are mine. This means that it is unwarranted to manhandle me and remove me from the counter or table when I am about to feast on the probably subpar feast you have laid out for me.

Also, I do not know what the skinny spiked metal things are for, I see that you need them as some kind of transport for sustenance to reach your mouth. You should know, as a higher evolved being, I do not need the assistance of such tools for simple tasks, so please stop placing those on the table.

I do not like the orange crunchy sticks you put out, please cease the production of these.

In addition, this time of human year I enjoy leaving my indoor domain to investigate my outdoor domain once again. I expect to return to a full water bowl and food dish accordingly.

And although I have the whole out-of-doors to relieve myself, your couch or any of the plants you brought inside from outside, are superior places for me to urinate, and therefore, I will continue to do so as I please.

Also, for the zillionth time, when I place a small dead animal carcass at your doorstep you must immediately stop everything and worship it. Throwing it away is unacceptable and WILL NOT be tolerated.

That is a gift. That is me showing generous appreciation for the small contribution you seem to think you add to my many lives. You're welcome for that.

That is all for now, expect more later.

Sincerely,

Cat


Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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An Open Letter To My Dog In Heaven

You're so incredibly loved and missed.
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You have been there every day for so long. I woke up and went to bed every day knowing you were there and would still be there when I awoke the next morning. You never failed to greet me with an ecstatic wagging tail and an adorable toothy smile whenever I walked into the room. I missed you every single second that we weren't together. We have been the best of friends since the day we met, and our bond has only strengthen throughout the years.

However, as I grew older, so did you. As I was able to do more, you were able to do less. I was able to drive, go to the movies on my own, and apply to college. But you, you couldn't jump as high anymore, you couldn't run as fast as you used to, you couldn't swim as much as you would have liked. Even when your abilities declined, you still remained the happiest pup I had ever met and would continue to always try your hardest to make me happy.

Then the day came. That dreadful, dreadful day. The day where I had to watch you take your last breath as I laid by your side, the day where I had to watch the vet take away the best friend that I had ever known. As horrible as that moment was, and as sad as I still am, I am at peace.

I am at peace because I know that you are in a much, much better place. I know that as soon as you took your last breath here on Earth, God swept your beautiful, innocent soul from the ground and flew you to Heaven. I know that you have gained your furry little wings that you so rightfully deserve, and I am proud that I was able to know and love such an amazing little angel as you.

As I am still here on Earth, I can't say that I know what Heaven above is like for you, but I hope that you are truly having the time of your life. I hope that you are surrounded by perfectly green meadows filled with colorful flowers and blanketed by the bluest skies and the brightest rays of sunshine. I hope that you have hundreds of different lakes, ponds, streams, and even oceans to swim in as much as your sweet little heart pleases. I hope that you have already met with all of our relatives up there and that they give you endless treats and belly rubs, since I no longer can. I hope that all of your pain and suffering has vanished, allowing you to be the young, energetic pup that you once were and have been longing to be for so long now.

Even though we are no longer physically together anymore, you will forever remain in my heart and soul. You were a blessing sent from above, and now, God needs you back. Thank you for completing me and teaching me important life lessons; I will carry you with me everywhere I go until we meet again. I love you, my guardian angel.

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15 Cat Terms Every Cat Lover Should Know

The unofficial dictionary to the language and anatomy of cats.

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It is important to know the terms that are associated with your favorite animal. Below are 15 important terms that you need to know to understand and communicate better with your kitty!

1. Toe Beans

The little pads on a cats foot.

2. Bean Stalks

A cats legs. The term bean stalk derives from the idea that the toe beans grow from the leg, hence, bean stalk.

3. Teef

A kitty's teeth or fangs.

4. Snoot

A kitty's nose and muzzle, perfect for a boop.

5. chonk

A big boi. A chonk can be referred to as any cat but mainly big bois.

6. Muffin/Muffining

When a cat is laying on it's side and its legs are straight out, as demonstrated by my kitty.

7. Loaf/Loafing

When a cat is laying down but not fully relaxed and he tucks all of his feet under.

8. Noodle/Long Boi

When a cat lays down and is very very long, usually seen in addition to a strechum.

9. Strechum

Usually performed when a kitty wakes up or has been sitting for a long time, better known as a stretch to us humans.

10. Monorail

A cat laying with it's feet on both sides of whatever it is sitting on.

11. Biff

When a cat wants attention, it will perform a biff and knock something off of a counter.

12. Sploot

When a kitty is tired and just falls to the floor, similar to a sploot in doggos.

13. Blep/Mlem

When a cat's tongue is partially out of it's mouth.

14. Bun

When a kitty sleeps curled up in a ball, demonstrated by my kitty.

15. Lewd

What you say when you see a big 'ol chonk.

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