Dear Humans,

During this time of human year when it is less cold outside you place the most wonderful baskets all around with magnificent contents, I approve of this practice.

I enjoy tipping these baskets over and scattering the stringy things about the house so you find them years later behind the couch, deeply embedded in the carpet fibers.

You also introduce these roll-around toys. Some you place in the baskets and some randomly about, I derive great happiness from this. You should always hide things for me to find and destroy.

Some roll-arounds break and some don’t. The physics of which I do not altogether care to discern. Others have smaller objects inside them, none of which taste good, but will disperse them around my domain as I please.

Once again, here is a list of my grievances:

Since you clearly did not understand me the last time, the small humans are still VERY MUCH not allowed in my domain, which is everywhere, even places I don’t know about.

When in doubt, assume that where you are is included in my domain.

All meat and other food items are in my domain, therefore they are mine. This means that it is unwarranted to manhandle me and remove me from the counter or table when I am about to feast on the probably subpar feast you have laid out for me.

Also, I do not know what the skinny spiked metal things are for, I see that you need them as some kind of transport for sustenance to reach your mouth. You should know, as a higher evolved being, I do not need the assistance of such tools for simple tasks, so please stop placing those on the table.

I do not like the orange crunchy sticks you put out, please cease the production of these.

In addition, this time of human year I enjoy leaving my indoor domain to investigate my outdoor domain once again. I expect to return to a full water bowl and food dish accordingly.

And although I have the whole out-of-doors to relieve myself, your couch or any of the plants you brought inside from outside, are superior places for me to urinate, and therefore, I will continue to do so as I please.

Also, for the zillionth time, when I place a small dead animal carcass at your doorstep you must immediately stop everything and worship it. Throwing it away is unacceptable and WILL NOT be tolerated.

That is a gift. That is me showing generous appreciation for the small contribution you seem to think you add to my many lives. You're welcome for that.

That is all for now, expect more later.

Sincerely,

Cat