To The Humans On Christmas, From Cat

To The Humans On Christmas, From Cat

Stop putting glitter everywhere. It does not taste good.

Dear Humans,

Once a human year you take one of my outdoor scratching posts and bring it inside, and as if that wasn’t odd enough, you adorn it with light-up, hangy and dangly things.

I do enjoy these hangy and dangly things, and though I am not supposed to, I really like to bat them around the house. Male human gets especially annoyed with this game. I like annoying male human.

One day during this strange period, my domain gets cluttered with glorious paper. How I LOVE paper. And boxes. Boxes are great to push around or hide in.

Oh, and ribbon. Ribbon is by far my favorite. Present more of these items to me directly, please.

Though I find them odd, your human rituals are, in general, uninteresting to me.

As always, here is a list of my grievances:

Ribbon and all other foreign objects shall under no circumstances be tied to my tail or placed upon my head, though you seem amused by it, this practice displeases me greatly.

Instead, items I approve of may be placed by my throne or used in that catch and release game where you throw one end towards me and slowly pull it away. I like that game.

The small humans are no longer allowed in my domain, they are uncivilized, sticky and tend to misinterpret my casual disdain for affection. I do not affection.

Stop putting glitter everywhere. It does not taste good.

If you do not wish for me to eat it, strengthen my claws on it or roll around on it, it should be removed from my domain. Everything else is mine to do with as I please.

When I offer you a dead squirrel’s tail as a thank you for that wonderful sack with happy green leaves stuffed inside, (I don’t know what that stuff is, but it’s great) don’t throw it away. That is a gift. I expect you to honor it and mount it somewhere.

That is all for now, but there will most definitely be more to come.



Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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Cover Image Credit: Katie Ward

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