I have had the same body for almost 20 years now, for almost 20 years I have known that this body is not mine and I don't like the way it looks or feels. For years I have wanted to change everything about my body so that it could be more like who I truly am on the inside- a guy. Once I learned what HRT (hormone replacement therapy) was, I felt overjoyed. I knew that HRT was the path that I needed to go down, it would allow me to become who I truly am. However, now that I'm close to starting testosterone- I'm starting to get really scared of all of the changes that are going to happen to me.
Like I said, I've had my body for almost 20 years, I know what this body looks and feels like and with one shot all of that is going to change. It is starting to hit me that this body and this life of mine is going to "die" once I start hormones, I'll be a completely different person in appearance but I will always be the same guy on the inside. More than anything, I'm worried about my family. I'm not out to all of my family and I know that once I start hormones they'll be able to tell that something is different about me. I'm terrified of them noticing the changes that I go through, but I can't wait any longer to start hormones.
I'm terrified to lose the body that I've grown used to, it's not one that I love or cherish but it's one that I have seen every single day. I'm terrified of my family seeing their little girl become a man. Above all, I'm terrified of losing myself if I don't start hormones. My life is to the point now where I have to change things because I am in so much mental and emotional pain that if I don't start HRT soon, I will lose myself. I know that starting HRT is the right choice for me no matter how much it scares me. I am terrified to start hormones, but I am thrilled that I get to live this new life as the man that I was born to be.