Having a mental illness in itself is a pain. The endless battle of unwanted, self-deprecating thoughts, the lack of energy, the complete hopelessness that encompasses your being, is detrimental to one's psyche. Constantly fighting an invisible enemy, an enemy that lives inside of you, takes such a toll on the victim that it's not uncommon for one to wish that they could fall asleep and never wake up. At least then, they could escape the internal torture that accompanies the illness. So, when you add college, stay-up-all-night-working-on-papers college, life can seem nearly impossible to continue. Unfortunately, this is not an exaggeration.
When I first began college, I had already been diagnosed with severe depression and a panic disorder for a year and a half. However, despite this, I was excited about starting a new phase in my life and breezed through first semester without any issues. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Then, for reasons unknown to me, my symptoms began to surface much more than usual and it got to the point where I had to have someone physically drag me out of bed. My excitement was gone, renewed with the anguish of waking up early and walking to classes when my body and mind protested so intensely. It became so distressing that I nearly dropped out weeks before the end of the year, despite how far I'd come to finishing my classes. But, by some miracle, I pulled through and celebrated with a welcoming summer break.
Though summer was meant to refresh my mind before barreling back into the school ethic, I found myself spiraling deeper and deeper into something darker than I had experienced. I later found that I had a different disorder, one that effected the personality and was harder to maintain. Through my battle with this new culprit, I took several semesters off from school to get myself mentally prepared and stable for life and school. Now, I'll share with you what I discovered in my time away.
The first difficulty with having a mental illness in college is your roommate. This deprives anyone from the privacy they need, especially when they are having an attack or a breakdown. I, personally, loathed having a roommate because when I wanted to lock myself away and cry my eyes out, I had someone there who would obviously freak out or fail to understand what I was going through. In some situations, your roommate may be close to you or someone you know, which is helpful when it comes to needing someone to comfort you. However, in the event that you need privacy and are not close with your roommate, here's what you do: walk into the room and keep yourself and composed as possible. If your roommate is not there, lock the door and utilize this time to yourself, no matter how long it may last. In some cases, you may know your roommate's schedule and can discern how long they'll be out. If not, you can text them and ask if they would be willing to stay out awhile. If you're not comfortable giving them the reason, you can always lie and say your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend-with-benefits is over and you'd like some alone time with them. Trust me: they'll catch the hint and will most likely be scared to turn up for several hours.
Now, I'm aware that distressing moments as a result of mental illness doesn't always occur at convenient times. Whether it be late at night when your roommate has no intention of leaving the room, or some other hindrance to your alone time, you need a back up plan. Find a place on campus that isn't used very often but is peaceful and comfortable, something that pleases the senses and eases the mind. Most campuses have a lot of places like this, you just have to explore and find them. Then, when you feel an attack come on or just need some time to yourself, you can come to this "safe haven" so to speak and release all of your emotions without having witnesses to interrogate you.
Another thing you can do is take a shower. This not only gives you privacy, but the warm water beating down on you has a strange soothing quality to it. The water also washes away your tears as you cry and the whole experience of crying in the shower is just cathartic in a way. You come out feeling refreshed and minutely better, if not immensely better.
These are some of the few ways of finding personal time in an environment that lacks individual space. So, for those that find the dorm-life of college to be problematic at times when mental illness prevails, fear not. You may even feel worse about the measures you allow yourself to go to for the sake of hiding your illness or for finding alone time to release your emotions. Don't. Illness is nothing to be ashamed of. The numbers of those who suffer as you do are extraordinary, thus proving you are not abnormal nor alone in your fight against this silent disease. Plus, your roommate will have days where they want to cry and be alone as well no matter what the reason. I mean, hey, you don't have to have a mental illness to want to seek alone time. I think we all can agree to that.
