If you ask me when I am the most happy I will tell you it’s when I am sharing pizza with my cat and watching a crime documentaries. Just kidding. I would probably tell you that I feel the most happy when I am making the people around me feel joy. It’s safe to say that making others happy makes many of us feel awesome. It’s a humbling feeling to that you’ve made an impact on someone’s life, large or small. But here’s the thing…there is a difference in being a kind human being and being someone who feels the need to constantly please people for their own personal validation.
It took me until I was about 23 years old to start questioning my people pleasing tendencies. At this point in my life, I had just discovered yoga and began to develop an awareness to the more subtle parts of my life. Learning the art of tuning inward to confront my external problems is a skill that I keep close, tucked into my pocket like a love letter to read so that I can remember that it’s allllllll good. I spent a good portion of my life seeking to be understood by the world while simultaneously repressing the person that I truly was on the inside.
Which was...a very big mistake. I literally took me forever and a day to realize that if you seek to be understood by the world, you will end up very very lost and confused. It was never about how the world viewed me. It's not about how the mail man, my friends, the server at the restaurant, my co-workers, that one person in line behind me, the person I made out with that festival that one time, my ex, my significant other, my mom, dad, sister, brother, dog, cat…well, maybe the cat…you get the point. It doesn’t matter how world perceives me. Besides, not any amount of charm or genuine kindness that I have will alter its opinions anyway. It took me a very long time to realize this: the relationship with myself is the most important relationship that I will ever have and if I stand from a strong foundation of self-love and validate my own existence, then the rest will face into place and my life will be magic. A delicious feeling of freedom from self imposed prison. Doesn't that sound nice?
Well, I am here to tell you that this type of self work isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s going to suck and it’s going to be difficult. You are going to be hesitant and feel scared. At times you will probably feel so tangled in your own thoughts that your brain feels like a jungle gym. But understanding where the people pleasing tendencies and identity repression derives from helps to diminish them altogether. It’s amazing what can happen when we begin to see our inner demons as entities that aim to protect us rather than defeat us. When we see them without judgement and with compassion, the fire in their eyes dissipate and eventually so will our fear.
More than likely the origins of repression lie somewhere smack dab in the middle of your childhood. The time when you are becoming your own person and where you first start to become molded by the environment and the people that are around you. You might remember specific points in time where you would act upon your natural instincts, intuitively painting your world through words and actions that you felt to be true. You might remember even more clearly moments that you were told that being yourself wasn’t okay. You spoke too loud, too honest, too much or too little. It's through these messages that we slowly adapt a mindset that it's not safe for us to be ourselves, that it’s just better to pretend.
Repression is a form of control. Over time we grow accustomed to being ridiculed or punished every time we express ourselves and it becomes a tool for our survival. Slowly, outside ridicule turns inward and we slide down into a dark tunnel of self loathing. People who are creative have a tendency to get caught up in self-repression. Have you ever found yourself writing, drawing, or painting something that you thought other people wanted to see or read instead of creating what you felt? I believe that we all repress at some point or another. Whether it’s failing to speak up or letting our deepest desires slip past us. When we repress, we are not living in our truth and we stay out of balance. The only remedy to stop people pleasing is to challenge the validity of these deeply enmeshed habits.
When you honor yourself by expressing who you are, you begin to live a life that truly reflects what you want. This is both a lifelong journey and daily practice. It takes time to eradicate these habits and it’s important to stay gentle with yourself. Speak to yourself with compassion and for the love of god, quit judging yourself. It's a small yet powerful practice just to quietly say to yourself, “This is difficult" or "I trust myself to get through this" or “Let’s try again tomorrow”. It’s about being able to develop a sense of trust within yourself and learning to be our own best friend. There is strength is acknowledging that life can be difficult and there is power in recognizing that everybody is not for us, and you might not be for them. Below are a few tools to aid you in demolishing bad people pleasing habits.
1. Quit saying yes when you mean NO.
You can learn to say no to someone without feeling like you’re carrying around a suitcase full of guilt afterwards. You don’t have to explain yourself, either. You can say “No, I do not want to go to the movies because I'm tired” or “No, I would like to help you out on Monday, but I am very busy that day". It is your right to speak your truth. If someone gets upset when you tell them no, it says more about them than it does about you. Tell them to grow up. Seriously. No means no. It’s our responsibility to set up boundaries for ourselves. Our time and energy are precious and the people who care enough about you will respect that. We teach people how to treat us by deciding what we will and won't accept.
2. Stop saying SORRY! It’s unnecessary for you to apologize for yourself. “Sorry, I’m just in a quiet mood today” or “Sorry, I’m blabbing too much”. Nope. None of that. You don’t need to apologize for your existence or for the way that you’re feeling. Try to resist the urge to say sorry and see how it feels.
3. Create a healthy distance from negative people in your life. Unfortunately, individuals who people please get taken advantage of often. There are people who see your genuine and kind nature and use it to their advantage. These are the people who see that you’re uncomfortable doing something yet continue to ask you for favors anyway. These are the same people who, when you do muster up the courage to say no, will get upset and throw an adult-baby tantrum. You don’t need these people in your life, and they don’t deserve to have you in theirs.
4. You don't need to rely on outside validation. It’s important to learn how to cultivate validation from within ourselves. I am encouraging you start doing things alone. Visit a museum, your favorite cafe, or despite the social norm, go and see a movie by yourself. Doing things by yourself shows you that you can be independent and it can help build self-trust.
5. Live out loud and speak up! Your purpose is not to create a life just so that others will feel comfortable. Say what you mean. Sometimes you will hurt people and sometimes you will make them angry. On the flip side, you will inspire people with your willingness to speak up and you will gain friends who value your honesty. Either way, life is too short to hold it in. Say what you mean while you're here.
6. Remember this: your vibe attracts your tribe. The people in your life that truly matter are the ones that will accept and appreciate you when you are unapologetically yourself. Others will turn up their noses and that’s fine. You were not made for everybody and that is a fact that you will have to accept. Someone else’s opinion of you doesn’t determine your self worth, you beautiful and sensitive soul. Sit back, be yourself, and remember that you will attract the people in your life who are meant to be there.
