When someone we love learns that they are chronically ill, it affects the ways in which they interact with those around them. I was in middle school when my mom was diagnosed with a progressive blood cancer; three years after her diagnosis, my mom was prescribed an oral form of chemotherapy. The ways in which my mom perceived the acts of love towards her changed. Here are the ways in which I have been able to show my mom how much she means to me while being mindful of her disease.
1. Asking questions is okay.
In fact, by asking questions, you’re showing interest in understanding something that affects their daily life. This simple act can remind someone experiencing chronic illness that what they’re going through is real and that you love them enough to care about their disease.
2. Non-illness related conversation is also essential.
Sometimes a simple text that says, “Hey, how are you?” or a random card that says “Thinking of You” is enough to let your loved one know that they are more than just their illness. When their everyday life consists of chronic pain and various medications, it's nice to remind your loved one that you care about them most importantly as a person and not as a patient.
3. Sometimes you need to push a little.
Chronic illness is often accompanied by depression. This means that your loved one may begin to isolate themselves from their family and friends. By pushing for that lunch date or social outing, you're reminding your loved one how much they mean to you and how much you value spending time with them.
4. Don't offer any (un)professional opinions.
Unless you're a doctor that specializes in the field of their disease, it's best that you don't suggest any cures or “quick fixes.” This can imply that your loved one isn't doing everything they can to feel better, which can also imply that you're blaming the sick person for their current state of health. Chronic illnesses don't just “go away” with the newest vitamin trend.
5. Understand when they're having a particularly rough day.
Often times, your loved one might feel guilty when their illness prevents them from participating in family/friend events. When they're genuinely not feeling well, it's important to let them know that you understand that it's out of their control.
6. Be cautious when commenting on their physical appearance.
I know it may seem innocent to tell them “you don't look sick,” but this actually undermines their illness. When my mom gets this comment, she likes to reply with “Great! I'll tell my doctor you think so.” Just because someone doesn't look sick doesn't mean that their pain is any less valid. Instead, tell them that they look good.
7. Be there for the little things.
If your loved one participates in a charity or fundraising event related to their disease, show support for their cause. If you can't contribute monetarily, show your support through sharing their pages or contributing your time. This lets them know that you love them enough to care about the things that they do. Also, if they go out of their way to tell you in advance that they have an appointment, ask them how it went after it happens. Just the fact that you remembered will be enough to put a smile on their face.
It's important to remember that people dealing with chronic illness often feel as if they are alone in their journey. By doing these simple things, your loved one will realize that they don't have to face their disorder on their own. Their experiences are often misunderstood, so being present in the life of someone chronically ill can help them to feel like their experience is valid, and that they are loved.
