Frustrated and in tears, I sat on my bed hurting for the hundredth time over a boy I just couldn't seem to walk away from. Repeatedly, he gave me a million reasons to hate him. But I just never could. I couldn't bring myself to let go. Regardless of the way he treated me, my heart HAD to hold on. Even when he didn't. I loved too deeply to surrender. Even amidst the constant series of disappointment and pain, I held out hope. It was exhausting. He was taking so much out of me. But the problem is, I was letting him. I willingly gave him everything I had. Even when he deserved none of it.
So, through heavy tears, I grabbed for my laptop and angrily started typing away. This was the moment I realized I had to get myself together and move on. I deserved so much more. I was so angry at myself for allowing this kind of treatment for so long. I was sick and tired of wallowing in my own sadness and self-pity; never allowing change. Never realizing how much it took of me. Never cutting my heart-ties when I needed to. So, this was a note of tough love from years ago. Written to myself. And now, specially dedicated to all the girl's who, also, just can't let go:
That text you're waiting for isn't coming. Stop wasting your time and tears hoping for a sign of relief or a miraculous moment of truth…there is none. As much as it hurts and aches, he's not coming back. He's not sorry, and he won't think twice about it. It doesn't keep him up at night and it doesn't occupy his thoughts.
You don't occupy his thoughts.
He doesn't care like he used to.
Stop letting his mistakes and decisions control you, he's done enough, hasn't he?
Don't let him win anymore.
Drop your phone and take a deep breath. I know it's hard. But breathe, really breathe. We all wish it were easier. Walking away and knowing that was it, that was the last time. We wish life would stop drawing us back. Back to the hurt. Back to the disappointment. Back to the familiar feeling of never being enough. Never being everything we thought he wanted. And it's crushing. It's suffocating. It's the type of pain that takes all the breath from our body. It leaves us confused and depressed, time and time again.
Why do we continue this toxic cycle? It's harmful but addictive. And I guess we know that but it's hard to stop.
Our relentless love will always trump our hurt. So we allow it. That's just how we are. Regardless of the pain they've caused us, we want to fight to remain. And It's sad, but true. No matter how much they put us through, we want to stay. We choose to. Because too much time and memories have passed for us to simply walk away. Sometimes, even after all the harm they've caused us, they have to be the ones to walk away first for us to finally realize we deserve better. We deserve more. You deserve more. Because you do. You deserve someone that will love you all the time, in every season you are in. In every failure and in every success. During all the highs and all the lows. Not when it's convenient for them. Not when they feel like it. Not because they want something from you. But because they treasure you. Because you are worthy of something genuine. Because you are too special not to be.
You are so full of love to give. And he will continue draining that love until there's nothing left.
He will take advantage of your caring heart without regret. He will never understand how to cherish it. So please hear me: you have to let him go. I wish I could say there was a painless way to learn our value, but there's not. You become stronger from the heartache, from the tears, from the pain. You'll understand that driving away and watching him in your rear view was the best thing for you. That giving his clothes back, deleting his messages, and avoiding his name will heal you. Resisting that constant urge to contact him one last time will strengthen you. Because remember, he doesn't care. As much as you wish he did, he doesn't. It won't change and HE won't change. So stop hoping this continuous cycle of disappointment will somehow give you a different result, it won't. You will never be happy. You will never be satisfied. You will never be treated the way you long for. He can never provide you that.
So, grip your steering wheel, hold back your tears, and don't turn back. Don't look for hope. Don't search for a sign that he still cares. He doesn't or he'd be at your doorstep. He doesn't or he would never allow you to feel this way as a result of himself. His consideration for your heart is gone. His care is gone. He's not the same person you once fell so hard for. Move on and let him go. Love yourself enough to do that.
I truly wish he cared the way you deserve. Because I bet you're beautiful. I bet you gave him your whole world and would move mountains for him. I bet you opened up and trusted him. I bet he promised he wouldn't hurt you. I bet you had a huge, whole, caring heart that loved generously before him. And he took that from you. And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. You don't deserve that. No one ever deserves that. No one deserves to drive away knowing that will be the last time. No one deserves to love selflessly and get nothing in return. No one deserves to open their hearts and be completely disappointed. No one deserves to have their trust shattered. No one deserves to feel broken and abandoned.
But the saddest reality is... that's life. And life isn't fair.
Life doesn't chase after you and admit they're wrong. Life doesn't beg for you and regret their mistakes. Life doesn't slow down so you can catch up. It's merciless. It's not sorry. It has no regrets. It won't think twice. So don't spend your time letting him win. Don't stick around trying to find the guy you loved in the beginning. He's gone. It's not going to change. He will only continue to take pieces of you with him. You're stuck loving the idea of him. You're stuck loving the parts of him you hope so badly will change, but won't. But, you aren't stuck loving him. Because love and pain do not dwell in the same place. Constant pain does not equal real love. You cannot keep going back. He's never going to grasp the prize he's lost. He's hopeless. You can't fix him. You can't change him. You can't convince him you are sufficient enough. You are, but he will never understand that. So stop chasing. Stop trying. Quit spending your time replaying your arguments and intimate moments.
Just stop... stop thinking.
That text isn't coming.
His heart isn't like yours.
He isn't going to come back begging for a second chance.
He isn't holding on, but you are.
So, please be strong enough to let it go, as hard as it is. Just close your eyes. Think of all the things that make you worthy of love. Think of all your beautiful qualities. Think of your burning desire for something more. He could never give you that. I know it hurts. But breathe. And think. Think of all the people in this world. He's just one. One who you allow to control your happiness. To control your heart. One who will never be able to appreciate everything you have to offer. Your beautiful energy is needed desperately by someone else, so stop wasting it.
Open your hands to freedom, and let your mind rest. Grant your heart the ability to heal. You are too special and genuine. He doesn't deserve any more power over you; he is nothing. You are everything. You are radiant. You are a light. A bright, warm, and powerful aura. You irradiate your own darkness without dependence. Never let yourself believe you need him. Never let yourself believe you are nothing without him. Because in all truthfulness, you are so much more. And you deserve the world. He just couldn't give it to you. But someone else will. So when he walks away, so do you. And you don't turn back.