I’ve been dumped on various occasions for multiple reasons. I think every reason is a learning experience and I have picked up a couple of steps that I hope improve my position with the next man to come into my life. Now, I’m sure I am not the only girl out here trying to find a guy to really settle down with. So, I’ve compiled a few things that have killed my relationships and hope it helps out my fellow woman.
If you want a boyfriend or to keep a man in your life, don’t:
1. Wear Makeup
Men are fragile. Boys like a girl who can get down with the guys and be herself. Your make-up hinders your performance in that area. It also hides who you are. Clowns wear make-up; girls who have functioning relationships with actual boyfriends don’t.
2. Have Imperfections
Are you kidding me with that zit? No wonder he dumped you. How could you have such big bags under your eyes? That’s offensive to men, don’t you know? There’s gotta be some sort of witchcraft to get rid of that or something.
3. Stubble
Unfortunately for the Sicilian bitches out there, this one is exactly why you will be single for life unless you’re shaving every day. You gotta choose between razor burn or a lil’ stubble comin’ through. Which, incidentally, is choosing between a boyfriend and being single so I mean it’s all up to you.
4. Diet
Guys like a girl that eats. It’s the same thing as hiding behind make up when you order a measly salad at Outback, okay? Let’s be real women for our men.
5. Eat Too Much
I don’t care if it’s your first meal of the day you order your burger in a lettuce wrap with Swiss f*ckin’ cheese! What guy wants to be with someone who is so careless with her figure? Let him handle the calories, thank you.
6. Wear Work-Out Clothes for Actual Exercise
Speaking of figure, it should be au naturale. Sure that spandex and yoga pants looks great on you, but sweat is repulsive. And there’s always that smell that comes with a good, long work-out. Gross. But still please pay $50 bucks on a pair of yoga pants that will rip in a month so your man can stare at your butt.
7. Talk About Things You Enjoy
Are you kidding, Talky Tina? Your man had a rough day. Maybe it was a good day! Either way, shut your trap and give him some space to speak. It’s all about him. How is he supposed to know you care if you’re going on about your life.
8. Talk
In fact, just don’t talk. It’s wasting energy and creates a lot of hot air and your man was doing that “exercise” stuff you don’t have to do so it just complicates things
9. Ask To Hang Out
Again, he’s busy. Relax. He’ll get to you when he gets to you which will probably be 2 in the morning for some alone time. It is what it is.
10. Don’t Ask Enough
Oh now you’re mad he only visits at 2 a.m.? Why haven’t you been asking to hang out? That’s on you, don’t blame him.
11. DTR
The number one reason you are OUT is because you were CRAZY enough to ask what the status of your relationship was. Honey, who cares if you have consistent sex, hang out all the time, go on dates regularly, text 24/7, and aren’t seeing other people? That’s called being good friends. Now that you’ve asked for more, I mean, that’s a lot of pressure and just makes things a little… awkward. You’ve sufficiently stressed out your man.
If you agree and/or follow any of these rules:
In the wise works of Amy Schumer, "You are the reason women will lose the right to vote."
Go eat a burger and sweat like there's no tomorrow, ladies.
