Oh junk food, how you tempt me with your mouth-watering physique, so divine and seemingly delicate, yet your nefarious seductions entice me to gorge myself upon your toxic allure.... I know I can't be the only person who is obsessed with the deliciousness that is any and all junk food—bad for your heart but good for your soul. As tempting as food is, people make resolves all the time to cut back on unhealthy foods to improve their lifestyles, become a better person, or get their perfect summer bodies. According to US News Health, roughly 80 percent of people fail to stick to their so carefully planned out resolutions to lose weight or eat more healthily. But luckily for you, I’m here to help you become part of that 20 percent who actually make their goals!
Like the saying goes, the first step to fixing a problem is by admitting that you have one in the first place. In this first stage of resolution, you come to the realization that you only have a few weeks, possibly days left before that beach trip you've been planning, so you have to rush to Google everything you could possibly try before you parade around in clothes that don't fully cover your body. Pick a couple of "This One Weird Trick" tricks to try, figure out your BMI, determine how much you need to lose, and move on to the second step: finding a companion.
Tell as many friends as possible that you're going on a diet. Typically, if you have sympathetic and caring friends, they’ll give you supportive comments like, “Yeah, you do look really fat in those jeans,” or self-sacrificing friends who might say, “I will totally eat your dessert for you so you won’t have to!” This way, when you feel on the verge of relapsing, your friends will have your back and make you feel awful about yourself so that you can push on with your weight goals! Just kidding, but really, having a support system is key.
Health and fitness expert Dr. Adam Shafran suggests that forming diet buddies actually helps complete weight loss goals. He says that people usually fail not because they follow bad weight loss plans, but rather because they don't have a good support system to tell them that no, they're still not super-hot after eating that one leaf of lettuce.
Next comes the proposition step. This is the part where you do your research and find a good dieting and exercising plan that caters to you. Fortunately for you, I’ve already done a bit of research, so you won’t have to. A popular one is the Paleo Diet from Dr. Loren Cordain, and no, you don’t eat dinosaurs. This diet is actually more commonly known as the Caveman diet. Just limit your food to what cavemen would eat—fish, lean meats, fruit, non-starchy veggies, and nuts. This rules out all processed foods (gasp), grains (what?!), starch (NO!!!), and dairy products (oh, the horror....). This diet paired with a good exercise routine would make an incredibly healthy—and probably grumpy—person out of you.
After proposition is temptation, which is, quite possibly, the worst stage of dieting. This is the part where, if you're anything remotely like me, you’ll be going through almost a breakup phase. Sit down with yourself and have a talk about why the relationship isn't working. Tell yourself that you’ve broken it off, and give the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech to your taste buds if you need to. The best option is to just make a clean break and resolve to never see them again. Even if they’re as delicious and enticing as extra cheesy pizza.... DO NOT GIVE IN. Every time you want to give up, ask yourself, do you want to look like a underweight deranged pole with a killer body or not? The answer is always yes, of course.
And at long last, you've reached the last and most cherished step if you manage to somehow survive the previous step— CELEBRATION!!! Congratulations! You reached your goal! You're now the proud owner of a socially approved chunk of body fat to muscle ratio.
However, if you still have not completed your weight loss goals, presumably because you didn't actually follow the stages properly, you suck. Just kidding! A 2012 study from the National Cancer Institute found that moderately overweight people actually lived about 3.1 years longer than normal-weight women and men. So in reality, you probably already have your perfect summer body plus an extra 3.1 years to live. So while those bodybuilders and models are flaunting what they think are "perfect" beach bodies and laughing at you, you can come back to their graves three years after their deaths and flaunt to their dead bodies the fact that you're still alive. :)
