Now, first let me start off by saying this matter is very close to my heart (pun intended), and as a fellow human being who has had her heart broken multiple times, I hope to try and help you get past this. Because you will...or so they say.
I know how it feels. I do. In my case, I always love too much or too hard, and often, that love is unrequited or less passionate.
First of all, everyone goes through heartbreak. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone: you, your best friend, that girl with the perfect life, Taylor Swift, Chris Pratt, Emma Stone. Yeah, even pretty, successful, awesome Hollywood types (though typically dumped by equally pretty, successful, awesome Hollywood types, it’s still the same thing). In the moment, you may feel like you are the only one who has ever gone through anything like this, you may feel like dying, and no one could possibly understand the pain you feel (which, to an extent, is true—we all process pain differently, we all have unique relationships that affect us on an individual level). But the emotional destruction following a break-up, or any form of heartbreak, is a universal concept. Humans love deeply. This is one of the traits that set us apart from our animal counterparts. Scientifically, we have a high emotional intelligence which makes rejection, especially from someone we love, even more difficult. And yet, after a break-up, life still goes on. The world continues to turn, and you, you will eventually begin to breathe and love and be happy again.
As Oscar Wilde said, “The heart was made to be broken.”
With each heartbreak, we grow and evolve and better ourselves. We soul search and learn from our mistakes so as to avoid them in the future. The hardest realization is that you are responsible for the way people make you feel. The negative feelings you have because He/She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named does not like you back, or love you as much as you love him/her, can be traced back to how you are allowing that person to rule your emotions. I know it’s hard, but you have to think of yourself as an independent person whose moods and feelings do not rely on the approval or requited love of another. Biologically and emotionally, we don’t think in these terms, though. We are meant to find mates, to reproduce, to love. If that’s what we are meant to do then, we will do it. Just not now, not with this person.
That being said, heartbreak sucks. It just plain sucks, and there is no getting around it. No one deserves to feel inferior or worthless. No one should have to be rejected and judged. And even though that guy who found his college sweetheart only after dating you for a New York minute isn’t inherently evil (you and he weren’t meant to be), in the moment, he is. He ranks with the criminally accused of Alcatraz. Because he broke your heart, and while the state of bones and organs is not constant, it still hurts when someone crushes your chest and splits open the entity that pumps blood through your veins.
What can you do? How long is a normal period of time to grieve? How do you even begin to move on? I am always frustrated when the following questions are met with vague answers like, “It’s different for everyone” or “It will get better in time.”
So, I will try my best to give you concrete solutions and scientific evidence.
Many people have told me to eat ice cream (I recommend Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked) and cry. Or listen to music and cry. Or watch a movie and cry. Basically, release every emotion—negative, positive, resentful. Allow yourself one or two days to wallow in shameless, self-indulgent pity and move on (that last part is crucial). Listen to sad songs and realize that this is how most musical artists create their careers. Without heartache and break-ups, there would be no "Yesterday" by the Beatles or "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. This proves that beautiful things can come out of the most heart wrenching periods of time in your life. In a way, you embrace that you got rejected and you use that acceptance to move on as a more confident person.
According to the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal, talking about and reflecting on your heartbreak can help speed up the healing process and even results in feeling less alone. So, whether it’s a phone call to your mom, a heart-to-heart with your friends or roommates, or a trip to a counselor, talk to someone. There is always someone who will listen, and right now, you just need to be heard and comforted. Sometimes, you need a little self-esteem boost.
Heartbreak is proven to cause physical and physiological disruptions, such as irregular sleep patterns, heartbeat, and appetite. That being said, in order to begin to be happy again, you must become both mentally and physically healthy (which, ironically, refutes my former Ben & Jerry’s point). Take an exercise class with friends. Then you can get healthy and socialize. Being in the company of others can also improve your mental state. Do yoga. This focuses your mind and destresses your body. Eat healthy. Not only does eating the right foods, like fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins, make your body feel better, but it can positively influence your self-esteem.
Use all these raw, vulnerable emotions to put your creative energies to work. You could journal or paint or act. This can be an opportunity to create genuine pieces of art while helping free all the toxic thoughts. When you are in agony, constantly on the verge of tears, is the time you need to work the hardest. Get out of the slump.
And eventually, you will reach a stage where you will say, to quote the TV show "Parenthood," “I’m glad I knew you.” Because the person who broke your heart had an influence on your life. It changed you as a person, maybe not even drastically, but enough to where you emerged from the flames a little wiser and a bit more graceful than when the fire started. Remember that heartbreak is an inescapable part of life, and that in the end, you are a better person because of it. Be appreciative that you were open enough and loved deeply enough to allow yourself to get your heart broken in the first place. Eventually, living outside of your comfort zone will find you the right person and be proud you were brave enough to take this first step.
You are enough. And soon, you will be more than enough for someone else. You will be someone’s everything.
