Stage 1: I’m 13 years old and it’s the end of our field hockey season. There’s a barbecue going on to celebrate and there I am, surrounded by my team, my friends—people who are supposed to know me better than I know myself—when the coaches decide to run an activity.
It’s simple: everyone tapes a piece of paper to her back and then goes around writing personal compliments on other’s papers. It was anonymous, it was honest, it was supposed to be fun.
After about twenty minutes of letting middle school girls write the best things they could come up with on their teammates’ backs, we were allowed to look at our own papers.
I was stunned at what I found. The comments weren’t mean, but they didn’t make me feel good either.
You’re so nice! Everywhere. In many different colors and many different handwritings, my teammates had written that I was nice. Not that I was funny or smart or independent. Not that I had nice hair or that I was a loyal friend or even that I was good at field hockey (though I guess that one is understandable). I was simply and reductively nice.
Don’t get me wrong; it is a wonderful thing to be nice. But I was 13 and I knew that that wasn’t all I wanted to be.
Stage 2: Fast forward a few years, and I’m 17 years old and finally starting to learn what it means to be confident. Not just I know I can pass this math test confidence, but also, I am beautiful and brilliant and I don’t need anyone to tell me so to believe it confidence.
But though I knew I was a combination of many pride-worthy things, I still had that reputation. That good girl, too nice to ever pick a side, too scared to ever stand and fight, kind of reputation.
So I’m 17, and I decide that this is going to change. I am going to stop putting myself second to other peoples needs. I am going to learn to say “no”. I am going to speak my mind, even when people don’t ask for it. I decide I am going to be strong.
But that’s the thing about being strong. It’s so subjective. Some people see strong where others see stubborn, rude, temperamental.
And so, though 17 was the year I learned to stick up for myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me, it was also the year I had my first fight with my best friend. It was the year I got in trouble with my parents. It was the year I made many mistakes, but not a single one I did not learn from.
Sometimes I went too far. As desperate as I was to put myself first, there were times where all I did was think about myself, instead of the other people involved. There were also times when I was still too afraid, and I let other people guide me instead of taking the lead.
It’s a balancing act, and a hard one at that, to know when its time to think of others and lend a helping hand, and to know when it is time to focus on yourself.
But what I’ve learned, and what I hope everyone else can remember, is that just because it is hard, that does not mean it is impossible.
Be honest. If it is people you care about who are getting in the way of your own success, chances are, they care about you too and the last thing they want to do is make your life difficult. There is nothing wrong with a straight up, “Look, I’d love to help, but I’ve got to take care of something for myself first.” If anyone has the gall to deny you that, then they don’t really deserve your help after all, do they?
Know that people are going to get hurt. This doesn't mean it is your fault. Often, no matter what you do, someone is going to end up upset. That’s okay. It’s part of life. You need to look out for yourself just like everyone else needs to do that with him/herself. This does not mean it is okay to ignore the feelings of other people, but be aware that sometimes, they are going to have to come second to your own.
Take a step back. Try to remove your own bias from the situation and analyze it logically. If these were people, yourself included, you had never met before, whose side would you be on? There is never a clear right or wrong answer, so if this isn’t helping…
Trust your gut. Both sides are nearly always legitimate, so it really comes down to what feels right to you. Your own intuition has gotten you this far, and it is the one thing in this world that is always looking out for you.
Remember it is okay to be wrong. If you miss out on a chance to help someone and find yourself regretting it, a simple apology goes a long way. If that’s not possible, don’t waste time worrying about what you cannot change. You did what you thought was right in the moment, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
Stage 3: The summer before leaving for college, I gathered my five best friends from high school and we had one final sleepover. One of the many activities I planned to help us reminisce and be grateful for our friendship was the very same compliment activity I had done at age13.
This time, when I removed the paper from my back and slowly took in everything that was written, I couldn’t stop smiling.
To my friends, I was brave. I was funny. I was smart. I was talented and fierce and strong. And that made me glow with confidence and pride. But even more so did the other compliments. The ones written in different colors and different handwriting, spread out across the page: the ones that said, “You’re so nice!”
It is important to love yourself. And it is important to love other people. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing both, at the same time, all the time.
