To The Girl Who Only Thinks About Herself

To The Girl Who Only Thinks About Herself

Words are like knives, they can cut someone to the bone.

Lately, my articles have been selfish. Odyssey is a platform that gives me the power to write whatever I want and have people actually read it. The problem is, Odyssey has become my personal diary. I didn't notice until someone commented on one of my articles telling me that I was abusing the power I had and that should be ashamed and rethink my ways.

Well, commentator, you were right, so thank you. I thought about your words and you had me cold. I am abusing my power, in order to hurt someone else.

You see, I was writing about things that made me angry or that were hurting me, without thinking of the way it could hurt others. It made me feel better and that's all I cared about. I didn't think how bad words can hurt and stay with us. I guess I was never on the receiving end, in the way I was recently.

Or maybe I just forgot what it was like to be bullied because I'm confident in myself now. Maybe I'm confident because I began to act like the bully and try tearing people down to make myself feel better. I don't know, but I know I don't want to hurt like I did when I was bullied ever again.

We should all strive to be the best versions of ourselves and be careful of what we say because words are like knives, they can cut someone to the bone.

My mom always said, "Treat people the way you want to be treated." And I haven't been doing that. It's only brought me negativity and bad karma acting the way I have.

I got caught in this web of negativity and using my platform to lash out at those I felt deserved it. I was letting my selfishness get the best of me and that's not right. I don't want to let anger and negativity control me or what I put out in the world.

I am a pessimist, it's totally true. I'd rather expect disappointment than be let down. But just because I have a pessimist viewpoint internally, doesn't mean that's what I have to give out externally. And I try to be kind and good, but I'm human and I'm selfish, so I make mistakes. But the part the matters is how you try to fix or make up for those mistakes. It starts with acknowledging the problems in yourself.

Last week my article went viral. Like crazy viral and I was excited until I began getting death threats and hate mail. Reading things telling you that you should die or go kill yourself or that someone wants to cause you physical harm is never easy. I began to feel down and wanted my success to go away because the pain I felt from the negative comments was eating at me and it made me realize something I should have realized a while ago.

My selfish nature let me get caught up in using this platform as my diary to do the exact thing those terrible commenters were doing. I was hurting someone and making a spectacle out of it. I was abusing my platform and instead of using it for awareness or goodness, I used it to vent and for negativity. I may not have been giving death threats but I was exposing someone for my own childish motives.

And so, I'm sorry to the people I hurt with my articles. You know who you are and while we will never like each other, I'm going to end the cycle right here and right now of pain and negativity. There will be no more articles about you. I regret the ones I wrote because I can only imagine the pain they caused you, and I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize.

I'm sorry and I know you won't believe me, but that's okay, I have to prove my words with actions.

In a past article, I said the cycle of pain never ends and that we all contribute to it. I believe that. The cycle cannot be broken, for it is human nature, but I want to control my own emotional baggage so that I can contribute less to that vicious cycle and maybe, just maybe, one day I can stop contributing at all. One day, I hope to not hurt people with my words or actions.

I don't believe in tearing women down but that's exactly what I was doing to you. Like I said, I'm selfish. But here's to the end of that and here's to building you up because I may not like they things you do or how you act but you are strong and resilient. You are a powerful woman who can do so much. I believe in your power.

Your power comes from inside and the goodness we all have. We can choose to be negative and foster that nasty side of us, or we can choose to be positive and give happiness out into the world. I'm choosing happiness and positivity because I want to be better. I want to change and learn each day, so I'm the best person I can be.


Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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The Worst Part of the Past Year

I’m stronger because I had to be. I’m smarter because of my mistakes. I’m happier because I’ve overcome the sadness I have known

  

I am going to start out and be very open and honest with you. My past may come as a shock to some people because of how open I'm willing to be about it. I have no regrets of the roads I stumbled down because they were all lessons learned in the end. We all have times in our lives that we wish never happened, we want to bury it deep, deep down so that maybe we wont remember anymore. That's not how we are wired though, we are meant to open up about our wrongdoings and we are meant to learn from them, not pretend as if they didn't happen. That's why I'm sharing what I'm sharing with you today. The worst part of the past year was deciding to move to Canada and to finish my bachelors degree at Redeemer University College. 

I get asked by every single person "Why did you choose Redeemer University when your not even Canadian?". Well, simple; "there was a boy..."is all I ever say. Immediately they fill in the rest (but that's a whole different story for another time). In a nut shell we split and I stayed back in Florida and wasted my time with useless people that were filling me up with childish distraction. During that time I had completely lost sight of who I was. To me, I was literally going insane mentally and emotionally. I wasn't stable in the least and I could hardly hold a conversation with another person. I attached myself to someone I shouldn't have the last month before I left. The things this man introduced me to made it harder for me to let go. 

I did my first line of cocaine with a hundred dollar bill. I was terrified to even do this drug so before I even snorted it I was already shaking like a leaf. I wasn't comfortable and I thought that "this Sadie" was over with years ago. J (that's what we will call him) gave me another bump about every 15 minutes or so just to keep chasing the high. I HATED IT! I could feel my brain chemistry altering with every bump I would take. I had all this energy and no where to put it so my body would just tremble. J ended up giving me a Xanax to calm down. All I remember was the faint smell of gasoline and the soundtrack to 'Suicide Squad'. I woke up in J's bed and didn't remember any of the night. That was only the beginning, from there on out things got progressively worst. 



 

I knew this wasn't me and I knew I needed to get out of this place before things went any further. I headed to the airport and tried to get on the plane. Somehow the flight got messed up and I ended having to stay an extra day in Florida. I.FLIPPED. I made a huge scene at Tampa International Airport and yelled at a few of the ticket workers. I will remind you I was not myself at all at this point in time. 

My mom and dad had to carry me to the car and drove me home to fix my car (I got a flat the day prior). I was hysterically crying on the floor in the backseat on my mom's jeep. I was ripping out my hair and grabbing at my skin to try to break myself out of this meltdown, but I just couldn't. I couldn't calm down, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop screaming. It was as if I suppressed all the bad down and it all came spewing out like throw up. Eventually my parents finally sent me out and I headed to Canada to rewire my mind, heart and spirit. 

The first week was BRUTAL! I got to stay with one of my dearest friends (which was great) but during the time I was coming off of a binge. I hadn't had a natural sleep in about a month and I didn't have much of an appetite either. I felt so hypersensitive to everything. When I would try to sleep I could hear a constant buzzing for hours on end that drove me insane. I opened up to friends to seek help and I even went to go see a few counselors and they even referred me. Nothing was helping with my pain though. Not until I turned my life over to God. 

I think sometimes God doesn’t just take our pain away when we ask Him. I think we have to push through the pain, walk through the pain, heal through the pain and pray through the pain. instead of praying it away, maybe sometimes He just wants us to pray through it. healing doesn’t come easy and rebuilding doesn’t happen overnight. It took months to recover and become who I was again and I was only able to do it through Lord, our savior. I’ve had my heart broken, my hope destroyed, my mind distorted, my worth questioned, and my soul stained. In all of these, Jesus was able to restore. He was able to redeem. He was able to bring to life what was once dead. He was able to make all things new. He is still able. He never changes. If He has done it once, He will continue to do so. The only thing we must do is to allow Him to take control. Jesus reigns in us, He is now in charge, not us. He makes His kingdom alive in us no matter what we have been through, all things are made new when He comes to dwell in us. Allow Him to live in you and you will witness a beautiful come alive.

I’m stronger because I had to be. I’m smarter because of my mistakes. I’m happier because I’ve overcome the sadness I have known and I’m wiser because I’ve learned from my life.

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Pessimists Aren't Negative, They're Realistic

Pessimism amounts to accepting the inexplicable contingencies of life.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

I’m sure most of us have heard this question and know what each answer implies: half empty means your pessimistic; half full means your optimistic.

Okay, sure, let’s roll with this analogy. Let’s also assume it’s a glass of water, which will serve as metaphor for growth, life, or any other trite symbol associated with water. Now, half-full implies it could be fuller, but more importantly ignores the inevitable emptiness of the glass.

On the other hand, replying half-empty acknowledges that the glass isn’t getting any fuller but is in fact propelling towards that undesirable state of emptiness, or keeping align with our metaphor, the glass will have no water, symbolizing the end of life i.e. death (sorry for the half-ass figurative language, but you get the idea).

This may sound depressing to some, but it really doesn’t have to be; death is ineluctable and is a truth of life and is something we all have to accept. In a sense, acknowledging life ends in death is the most realistic way to view life. And this, to me, is a defining characteristic of pessimists: being realistic.

This doesn’t mean optimists can’t be realistic, but being optimistic about the future isn’t exactly being realistic, because, like I said, the only future guarantee is death.

For example, when optimistic people tell someone in distress things will get better is pure bullshit because they can’t possibly know that things will get better. It’s possible things will get better, and this is why pessimists in this situation would say something like “Things could get better, or they could get worse.”

Once again, this may sound depressing, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that no one can predict the future. I understand that the traditional idea of pessimism is having a negative view of the future, but I don’t think this applies to modern day pessimists. Rather, a pessimistic outlook on the future implies that anything could happen, even the worst.

Therefore, admitting your lack of knowledge of the future is a big part of being a pessimist, but I also think pessimism implies admitting a lack of knowledge of anything, or a better way of putting it, you don’t understand anything.

I know this sounds stupid, but let me try to explain. By not understanding, I mean not understanding how things came to be. For example, some religions (I think) believe that everything happens for a reason; by doing so, these people are attempting to explain or justify certain events, and usually, these events are harmful and can’t be expressed as positive unless there is some “greater good” involved.

Now, a pessimist is the exact opposite, for they believe everything happens for no reason at all; they don’t try to justify horrible events because they understand that’s part of life. And while they understand that’s part of life, they know it’s impossible to understand why bad things are part of life.

Therefore, if it’s impossible to understand why things happen, then it’s impossible to understand, well, anything. In a sense, pessimists adhere to the idea that the only thing you know is that you know nothing. However, if this is the case, how can one know they know nothing?

Well, you can’t, but this is something we must accept. People find comfort in understanding how the world works, it gives them a sense of purpose and control. But once you accept the idea that nothing makes sense and everything is pointless, life becomes one giant joke.

And this is why pessimists have a terribly dark sense of humor, because in an absurd world where the only guarantee in life is the end of life, where irrationality trumps reason, and where all action amounts to nothing, the only appropriate response is to laugh.

Cover Image Credit: unsplash

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