I remember once as I was driving, someone saw my wrist as I gripped the steering wheel and pointed at the angry red scars painted across my skin and said, “Looks like you had an accident.” I remember yanking down my sleeve and brushing the comment off without so much as a shrug of the shoulders, but what I really wanted to say was that it wasn’t an accident. I wanted to scream that I meant to draw every single line there and that I wasn’t sorry for my scars in the least. What I was sorry for, however, was that this person, who probably meant no harm, couldn’t understand how much pain you have to be in order to drag a blade across you flesh and sigh in relief when you see blood because this means you are still alive. This was no accident; this was my attempt at survival. But instead I said nothing, because I didn’t know how to respond to such innocent ignorance.
Self-harm is a problem that plagues many of us, and sometimes the people with the most scars are the ones you’d least expect. We all have scars, some self-inflicted, others a hazard of experience. Self-harm is not a good coping skill, however, it is a way in which people attempt to cope. The problem with self-harm is that it is a visible manifestation of the way people feel inside, and while some of us do our best to cover these scars up, sometimes it is simply impossible. Please do not get me wrong: I do not condone self-harm. It is dangerous and it hurts not only yourself but also those around you who have to watch you wound yourself for reasons they probably cannot understand, and reasons I hope the majority of people never have to understand.
When you see someone with scars, it is of course a natural instinct to be scared for this person’s well being and to confront them about it. However, it is important to tread lightly with this confrontation, as your best intentions may cause this person to shut down and say nothing despite all they might want to say. The amount of times I have been directly asked: “What are those?” or “Do you cut yourself?” in response to people seeing my scars is a number much higher than I would like to admit. I do not fault these people for caring, but I do fault them for the way in which they went about expressing their concern. Instead of bluntly asking what these marks on my wrist are and forcing me to confront something I may or may not want to discuss, we need to allow people to share their stories at their own pace. There is a difference between “what are those?” and pulling someone aside to ask if they are okay, because you noticed something a little concerning and justifiably frightening. It is easy to make assumptions and to react immediately, but it is so much more effective when you take the time to have an open discussion about why people do what they do and how you can help. Even a simple “please talk to me if you need anything” or “I’m here for you” can go a long way. It is okay to be scared or even angry when you find out someone you know is engaging in self-harm, but I urge you to curb this initial reaction and offer support and understanding instead. Self-harm is a dangerous and ineffective coping skill, but it is a coping skill nonetheless, and it is more important to get to the root of the problem than to just confront the aftermath.
