Picture this:
You are talking with some friends at a work party.
“She’s honestly just so full of herself,” you say, of another coworker who stepped out. “She thinks she should be in charge of everything, like she deserves all the say. Like she deserves any! What a bitch.”
Your friends were laughing or smirking along with you, probably each envisioning some recent incident, but suddenly you finish talking and no one responds. Some in the circle look a bit uncomfortable. Maybe someone says, “that was kinda harsh.” A few days later, the woman you were talking about confronts you, and you know one of your gossip-mates betrayed your confidence.
The truth is, we’ve all been here. We all do dumb things without thinking, which we regret later, whether or not we get caught. We’re all human and it happens, but when the woman who wasn’t in the circle comes to confront you about what you said, you have to be able to act fast and act well. When we need to apologize to people we genuinely wronged, there are better and worse ways to go about it. Here is a list of steps I think every good apology should include.
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1. Consider the situation from all sides.
Instead of just thinking about what you did and trying to justify to yourself why you did it, consider how the offended party and any third parties may feel about the situation.
In the case with your work friends, consider the feelings of the woman whom you gossiped about. When she heard what you said, she was probably pretty upset. Imagine how your friends feel about the situation you put them in. The fact that they weren’t laughing after you finished speaking suggests that they felt uncomfortable with the situation—perhaps they deserve an apology as well. After you’ve thoroughly considered the other people in the situation, analyze your own point of view. What lead you to say what you said? Were your accusations founded? Do you feel guilty? Did you overreact? During this last assessment, it is imperative that you be honest with yourself. In order to deliver a proper apology, you must not make excuses for yourself or try to justify what you did that hurt another person.
2. Plan your introduction.
This seems simple, and it is, but it is important to have an idea of what you will say before you step up to say it, and you’ll start by introducing to the offended party what you want to talk about. The simplest way to begin is to say, blatantly, “I’m sorry.”
In our case at work, you could plan to say, “<coworker’s name>, I’m sorry I criticized your leadership and questioned your judgement.” It is important to be specific—not just about what you did, but why it was particularly hurtful to this person—so that you come across as genuinely invested in the apology, not just checking a mandatory box. In other words, instead of saying “I’m sorry I insulted you”, which is vague and does not sound genuine, introduce your apology in a way that emphasizes that by saying what you did, you devalued your coworker as a person and in her job, which was incredibly hurtful.
3. State why what you did was wrong.
Now it’s time to concisely describe why your actions were unacceptable. This shows the offended party that you acknowledge not just that you hurt them, but also how you hurt them. Again, this emphasizes to your listener that you value them as a person and aren’t just apologizing to get rid of your guilt.
In our case, you might say “…when I said that you are bossy and don’t deserve your job, and called you a bitch, I was ignoring the fact that you are quite competent and reasonable, even when we disagree. It wasn’t my place to question your judgements even if I might do something differently in your situation. When I spoke that way, I was only seeing you as a threat to my opinions, not as a person with just as many responsibilities and indecisions as myself, and that’s not ok.” This shows your offended friend that you understand specifically what was unacceptable about your actions.
4. Say “I shouldn’t have done it.”
In most cases that warrant an apology, someone has done something clearly mean-spirited, and while the decision to do so may have been hasty, the fact remains that it was mean. Too often, apologies attempt to justify what was done, even when it was blatantly wrong. Do not say “I’m sorry, but…” or “I only did it because…” Leave out all flailing justifications meant to alleviate guilt. You feel badly, and you want to feel that you were in the right, but everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes you aren’t in the right. Apologies riddled with justification and blame-shifting only temporarily soothe your guilt, and often make the other person feel worse. Cut all of that away and instead say, “I shouldn’t have done what I did. It was wrong”—as simple as that.
In our case, you could say, “I should not have spoken this way about you, especially behind your back. It was wrong.”
5. Propose a solution.
Because you did something hurtful, the person you hurt will have a hard time trusting you in the future. You should show your offended party that you are willing to fix what you did and that it won’t happen again. A good apology should include some kind of solution or promise of better behavior.
In our case, you could say, “I know it’ll be hard for you to value my opinions in the future, and that’s OK. I want you to know that I won’t treat you this way again, and I’ll respect your judgements even when they differ from mine. I should keep my opinions to my own jurisdiction at work.”
6. Ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes, it will take the offended party a while to forgive, and that’s OK. That’s out of your control and you have to respect that. At the end of a good apology, you should ask for forgiveness for what you did—not to make yourself feel ok about it, but to remind the person you hurt that you still care about them and value their trust, even if it can’t be given right away. It’s important to say that, so they don’t feel like your relationship is damaged forever.
In our case, we can say, “Whatever happens at work in the future, I still value your trust and respect. Even if it takes time, I hope that you’ll forgive me. I value our relationship.” Avoid saying “Will you please forgive me?” or “I hope we can just get past this…” or “I feel really bad. Can you forgive me?” These sorts of snide and dismissive comments shift the blame to the offended. We need to take responsibility for our actions.
7. Remember this experience.
This time, it’s you giving the apology, but everyone makes mistakes. In the future, chances are, someone will offend you, and come to apologize, feeling just as badly as you do in your situation, whatever it may be. When you’ve apologized to someone you wronged, remember how you felt throughout the whole process, and how hard it was to come forward and apologize without any blame-shifting and excuses, and how much you want to do better. Next time someone comes to apologize to you, try to be forgiving. We all make mistakes, and holding grudges is emotionally exhausting.
