During our academic careers, we face hundreds of papers, assignments, work, or social events. And while sometimes we might have the motivation or desire to do all of those things, other times, we just don't. Then there's a select group of people who have never once felt any kind of motivation until the very last second. We call ourselves...The Procrastinators. I am one of them, and I am here to help you become the best procrastinator you can be. You know what Abe Lincoln said, "whatever you are, be a good one."
Step One: The first step of your procrastination training is to take into consideration just how much work you actually have. Remember, the more work you have, the longer you have to put it off. This is important to keep in mind. Procrastinators run on dangerously high levels of stress. More work plus longer wait plus high stress levels equals better procrastination.
Step Two: Download every social media platform in existence. Once you've done that, check all of them. Then check them again. Write a status, tweet something about the paper you haven't started yet, upload a picture on Instagram and comment on someone else's, go on Tumblr and re-blog everything you see. Anything you can think of that isn't what you're supposed to be doing, do.
Step Three: Hungry? You are now. Go reward yourself with all of your hard work so far and grab a snack or six or maybe eat everything you have, leaving you with no choice but to go and get more and further prolonging your work.
Step Four: Call a friend, text them, Facebook message them. This has a very high chance of starting a long and in-depth conversation. Be wary of your friend saying something along the lines of, "don't you have a paper to write?" or "shouldn't you be doing something other than procrastinating?" These are red flags. Obviously as a procrastinator, you should NOT be doing something other than procrastinating. If it does happen to come up, simply reply with, "no." Problem solved.
Step Five: This step is crucial. You really want to think about your favorite TV shows, movies, or even books. Narrow it down and dedicate at least a few hours to watching or reading. This will temporarily decrease your stress level and quickly decrease the time remaining to do your work. That's okay though. Don't panic. That isn't until step six. Enjoy your relaxing time watching or reading.
Step Six: Panic. Remember every little thing you have to do. This is a step you can absolutely not forget to do. This is really important to getting you to be the best procrastinator you can be. Panicking is when you remember all of those other times you've been in this exact position, panicking about all the times before that.
Step Seven: Cue the mental breakdown. It's encouraged to consider quitting your job or dropping out of school at this step, or even question every little thing about your future. Tears might happen and that's absolutely okay. It's all part of the position as the Best Procrastinator You Can Be.
Step Eight: Scream. Just scream for as long as you have to.
Step Nine: Turn on your computer, get out your notebooks, pencils, pens, erasers.
Step Ten: Force your eyes to stay open, do your work, and try not to cry too much on your keyboard or notebook.
CONGRATULATIONS! You did it! You are now officially the Best Procrastinator You Can Be! And remember, as much as you say it won't happen again, you know how big of a lie that is.
