When I was about knee high to a caterpillar, I experienced some unfortunate rejection from people I had considered my friends. When I was about knee high to a grasshopper, my family moved and I didn't have any friends. Not even fake ones. But never fear, this is not a story about a lonely angst filled childhood. It's about what came after. I was just fifteen at the time, and a bit lonely to say the least, but I had been obsessively reading literary blogs on the internet. Blogs by people my age, who wrote, and loved to read, just as much as I did. So I convinced my mom to let me start a blog (under the conditions that I not give away specifics about my identity and location). And this is where my story begins.
I remember typing out my first post and reading it over and over again before I finally convinced myself to hit the publish button. It was a bit choppy and stiff, but not altogether terrible for a first blog post. Five days later, I finally got my first comment, and I was incredibly excited. Someone had cared enough to read my blog, leave a kind comment, and follow. It was thrilling. And then there were two more comments, and I was having to force myself not to blog too much. People liked me, and agreed with me, and wanted to follow my blog. Even a couple of my blogging heroes hit the follow button. My low self confidence began to climb a little with each follow, with each kind and affirming comment.
But there were some low days too. I started to depend too much on people liking me. Sometimes I wasn't as genuine as I should've been. I stressed about whether so-and-so would like my post or not. Was I boring? Did I sound cool enough? Why had I only gotten two comments on my last post? Why had two people unsubscribed this week? I think it was another blogger who unwittingly helped me out by talking about her own blogging experience. She was incredibly honest. The one thing I remembered specifically was that she advised other bloggers to blog for themselves instead of getting too caught up in trying to please other people. Then I realized what I'd been doing wrong the entire time. I was trying to copy my idols, please people, do it the 'right way'. Well you know what else that blogging idol of mine said? She said that even to that day, she didn't really know if she was blogging the 'right way', she just wrote about what she loved and hoped that her enthusiasm would spark conversations with other bloggers.
Ever since, I've been trying to take her advice in blogging, and in areas outside of blogging. I used to freak out about writing too much about one thing and not enough about another (I still do sometimes) but I've realized, it's better to write about something you're passionate about than something you're pretending to be passionate about so people will like you. It was a mistake I had made once, a long time ago when I was just knee high to a caterpillar. I had tried to make the girls at my church like me by trying to fit myself into their mold. It didn't work, and they stopped being my friends. I was crushed, and I still feel shadows of their rejection when I meet knew people, but blogging has helped me get over that.
Blogging has helped me to be myself, because the discomfort of trying to be someone else is not worth the friendship of people who don't like you as you are. Sure, I lost a few few followers and maybe I still don't have very many, but you know what? I have made invaluable friendships with people who enjoy talking with me and who encourage me to be me and to like me. I have a creative outlet to talk about the things I love, and get feedback. I have gained confidence. And you want to know something really amazing? The girl who left the first comment is still following me even though my blog has changed quite a few times since she welcomed me to the blogging world.
Starting a blog introduced me to people like that who I've formed invaluable friendships with. They've stuck with me through change and hard times. They're the kind of friends I talk to at least once a week. The friends who still give me book recommendations and feedback on my blog, but who also sit and listen when I have a bad day. If there's one thing I've learned from blogging, it's this. Don't try to be 'right kind' of person so people will like you. Be yourself, and the right people will love you.
