Throughout high school I found it very hard to keep the view of myself positive, looking around there were always those girls that were in my classes who were the skinny, pretty, not very tall and very popular; the stereotype for high school teenage girls that you would find in any movie. I was constantly battling the way that I looked and was always comparing myself to them, wanting to be more like they were and wanting to prove something to everyone that I was more than what I was showing. This continued on all the way until the end of my senior year. I never really understood why I was feeling the way that I was, or why I was constantly wanting to have a certain image about myself. But I guess that's high school, right? Always wanting to impress everyone, wanting to be with the "in crowd" and wanting to be someone who you knew you weren't.

I still felt that way coming into my first year of college, looking at people that were so similar to the ones that I grew up being around in high school. It was crazy because I was hoping to find something a little different than that of high school, but I didn't know anyone and I had to sort of build a reputation for myself because I saw people interacting with each other a lot differently since most of the people all come from local high schools and know a lot more people through them. It was hard to adapt for the first couple of months, trying to make some sort of friends and to build up an image for myself in some way yet I couldn't find the right way to do any of it because I just felt out of place. I didn't feel any different than I did in high school, it just felt like I was becoming the same person I was then in a different city and that was not something that I wanted. I always felt like I was some sort of bother to people and that I wasn't meant to be places with some of the people that I did become close to, more so my teammates. It all felt different, like I was some sort of insect on the bottom of people's shoes that they couldn't get off. And none of this really changed for months, it really wasn't until almost the end of my freshman year that I felt any sort of change in myself.

For months I was constantly trying to change so many things about myself, and trying to make so many people notice me for reasons that I don't even really know why. I just felt like I had to be known to people because everyone that I knew was someone, was meant to be at every event. Even though my friends always told me that I was meant to be there or always told me to try and have a good time I just really couldn't find that sense of happiness or acceptance for my being anywhere. About midway through March of last year when I was home for my week break I was out by myself trying to just get away from so many things that were running through my head. I ended up walking around my hometown not really finding the urge to stop or go anywhere specific, but it was a beautiful day out and I ended up finding a part of town where I could see just about everything. I was sitting in front of the Ohio River and just thinking about nothing and everything all at once. Trying to understand why I couldn't be like everyone else, why I couldn't just have a good life or be extremely happy like so many other people around me. And then I felt this sudden rush of feelings differing from happiness to sadness to everything in between and it just felt like this was God's way of telling me that everything happens for a reason, but I shouldn't be hating myself or my life because that was not how I was supposed to be living it. I didn't need him to fix anything that was particularly wrong in my life, it was my state of mind that needed to be cleared. Cleared of all the negativity, all the love that he was giving me was there all at once and I could just feel him showing me the way to where my happiness needed to be or how I needed to start viewing myself as me. It was then that I really realized and rediscovered who I am as a person.

I don't need someone to constantly be there telling me that everything is going to be alright, and I didn't need to be constantly comparing myself to other girls or trying to impress people with the way that I looked or the things that I did, I just needed to be me. I needed to be my own supporter, be my own judge and not let what others say or what others think get in the way of being who I am. I realized that I am not going to let others defy who I am or who I need to be to be happy about the way that I look or the way that I do things. I have rediscovered myself as someone who is happy with the way that they are, who is not going to put my body or my mind through so many games or constantly jumping through hoops just to become what society is putting as "beautiful" or "happy". A girl that I know wrote the other "society will always be changing and wanting more of the impossible and even when you achieve the impossible there will always be something you did wrong." Every one goes through something difficult in their life, but it's really how you decide to act on it all or how you take what you are given and roll with it instead of hating everything about it. At one point in my life I did hate myself, I hated everything about my body, the way that I dressed myself and how I wasn't like all the other girls in my school. But when I put everything aside and just focused on myself instead of other people I became someone that I love, and someone that is finally happy.