breathe.

take a breath

let it in

feel it flowing in

keep breathing it in

because for what

i'm about to tell you

you'll need your breath.

sometimes i find it hard to breathe

because i know that

i shouldn't hide who i am

that i should wear my love

on my breast like a medal of honour.

but here's the catch

i've been told since i was a little girl

that i will grow up

marry a nice boy

and have a family

so if i'm supposed to be proud

if i'm supposed to wear my pride

where is my example of how to do it.

in sociology 110 i was taught

that there are many facilitators of socialization

that there are institutions behind how we socialize

behind how we learn

that we learn from our primary influencers

from our family.

well in my family

i have a mom and a dad

two older brothers

and a dog.

my nuclear family taught me love

that it doesn't matter who you love

as long as you are happy and safe

the gender you love is not a choice

and that no matter who you love

mom and dad will always love you

your siblings will always love you

even if they fight with you sometimes

that's just what siblings do.

but my extended family has taught me

other things as well

like how three weeks may mean

never seeing someone again

they have taught me that someone

may seem to be getting better

but in reality

they are closer to the end

they have taught me that

not all families are equal.

not all families will love you

your one aunt and her children

they will always love you

but your other aunt and her husband

may not always love you

and her children always will

then there's the other uncle

living hundreds of miles away

who you rarely see and has no idea

of what in life matters to you.

but what i also learned is that

the education system

is the second most important

socialization factor in life

and what i was taught

is that girls love boys

and that boys love girls

and that when a teacher

is gone for a few months

isn't because they are very sick

it's because when a man and a woman

love each other very much

a baby is born.

in eighth grade when i started to figure out

that i liked girls more than guys

and told one of my close friends

she responded by saying

that i was going to burn in hell

that god would love me

but only if i decided to change

we aren't friends anymore.

when i entered high school

a girl in the hall

who i barely knew

handed me a sheet of paper

listing the benefits of conversion therapy camps

telling me that if i went to church

and went to the camp

god would forgive me

so what i learned is that

she knew my sexuality

but not my religion

i'm a jew.

then in my sophomore year

i would kiss my friend

in the library

and a boy would call us applesauce

because we were something

he didn't understand

but we were something he liked

and we were something that he wanted

but my sexuality is not a fetish.

from then on

i hid my sexuality from everyone

except my close friends

and people whose names

i have long forgotten

but i have not forgotten the way

they begged for more

in the backseat of my brother's car

parked in the dark lot

of the art park

where the only art that was made

was between two people

in a tight space with foggy windows.

junior year i wanted to quit

the sport i had loved for all my life

because i didn't want the girls

to think i was checking them out

in the high school locker room

but my parents didn't let me

because they didn't know my reasoning

and i am so happy they didn't let me quit

because junior year

i became part of a team where two girls

were dating other girls

and for the first time

in a long time

i felt like maybe

i didn't have to hide my preferences

and they invited me to go to a pride parade

to which i responded

with thanks

but told them that i had

a family thing that day

because i had been taught to not be proud.

senior year i talked to a girl

who told me she was gay

who made me feel

comfortable in my own skin

and for that i thank her

but then she sent me

a video of her taking plan B

and asking me to forget

that video

and for her sake and mine

i tried

but part of me felt cheated

i had opened up to her

telling her that yes

i like boys and girls

but mostly girls

so maybe she had told me the truth

but her instagram is now full

of pictures of her and her boyfriend

so for her sake

i hope she wasn't telling me the truth

i hope that she maybe realized her love

doesn't need to be restricted

to one gender.

then over the summer between

my senior year of high school

and my freshman year of college

i spent three weeks in israel

fulfilling my grandfather's

dying wish for me

and during that time

i began to fall for a boy

which i hadn't done

in a long time

reigniting fear inside of me

reminded me of all the times

that i had been told

"you need to choose a side"

the times that i had been told

"you aren't gay enough"

or

"are you gonna cheat on me with a guy?"

no

the answer to that question is no

just because i like both genders

does not mean that

i'm greedy or a cheater

it does not mean that

i can't make up my mind

it does not mean that i'm just scared of coming out

it is not a pit stop on the way out of the closet

i already came out

why should i have to prove to you

that i deserve to be part of this community

the answer is that i shouldn't

the answer is that i am valid

but because i was scared of that

i never told him how i felt.

but now i'm in college

and one of my professors

is gay and married

she has a beautiful daughter

and she is proud

and two of my best friends are gay

and they don't care that i'm not

and when we go out

my other friends ask me

"do you want me to set you up?"

and if i say yes

they say

"alright, girls, boys, or both?"

because they know

that sometimes

i like to kiss boys

but most of the time

i like to kiss girls

and they're okay with that.

so i guess the moral of this story

is that

even though i still struggle

that sometimes i hide how i feel

that sometimes

the idea that i may never be accepted

paralyzes me with fear

that slowly

i am beginning to wear my love

like a medal of honour

that even though it has taken me

over seven years to come to terms

with my feelings

i am valid

and that maybe

our education system

could use some reformation

especially since it is teaching young kids

that if you aren't heteronormative

you don't belong

that if you don't belong to a specific group

or if you belong to a specific group

but not the majority group

you aren't valid.

i'm glad i took that breath

in the beginning

because that was a lot

to let out