I have been in some form of therapy since I was 5 years old. Therapists, medication, 504 plans, and doctors have become a regular part of my life. There would be an endless cascade of one therapist after another as I either moved around, grew out of them, or experimented with a new type of therapy. Therapy and medication would help for awhile but it would only keep me stable for a short amount of time until something inevitably shook my world and I was left in this messy, unhealthy state of wanting to die. I have battled with suicide, psychosis, claustrophobia, androphobia, PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I also struggled with eating regularly as I would often throw up what I had eaten and despite being hungry, would be unable to eat. Insomnia accompanied chronic aches and pains in my body and I was a lit fuse ready to explode 24/7. There was rarely relief from the anxiety and the relief was often circumstantial and very brief rather than long term improvements. Although my mental state from childhood into adolescence into adulthood had been improving thanks to the years of therapy and medication, by the time I hit 19, I was still unstable, suicidal, and desperate. Finally, my mom suggested a special kind of therapy called neurofeedback. I was uncertain and very much a skeptic and put it off for about a month. But it was when I was lying on my bed after throwing up, wanting nothing more in this godforsaken world than to die that I finally got over myself and said that I would give the neurofeedback a shot. I was in such a bad place that I was left with very few options - I could either fight to live, or I could give up. And I wasn’t ready to give up yet.

So it was time. The good thing about naturopathy is that the worst thing that can happen to you is it won’t work. Very rarely do people see any major side effects such as the dreaded Lamictal rash or antidepressant suicidal thoughts. I wanted to give something that couldn’t make things worse a chance, even if it proved to be nonsense. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I had never seriously tried naturopathy before besides the occasional dose of vitamins and fish oil. Day one began with a series of questionnaires and then finally the neurofeedback itself. The naturopath, mine being Derrick Schull, sticks little radio nodes onto your head that send signals to your brain that essentially rewire the chemistry of your brain. The naturopath then records the patterns and signals and completes a map of your mind. You don’t feel anything physically except sudden bouts of feeling more tired or wired after each “sight”, or signal. In the week following my first session, I noticed that my aches and pains had improved, I was sleeping better, I hadn’t had any outbursts, my irritability was drastically reduced, and my anxiety was under control. I hadn’t felt suicidal for the first time in months, and I hadn’t wanted to die for the first time since before I can remember. After about 4 sessions, I was feeling better than I had ever felt. I feel stable enough now where I can live on my own and away from my primary support system. I moved to Hawaii for my health and although I still get random pangs of anxiety, it’s vastly more manageable to the point where I can now call myself stable. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I have myself and the neurofeedback to thank for it. If you ever feel like there are no options, know that you are wrong - that that kind of thinking is wrong. There is always something out there that can and will make you stable, even if you are never fully cured. I didn’t finish the neurofeedback because I moved, but I can only imagine how far I might have come had I continued. I strongly encourage everyone who struggles with mental illness to not give up and to instead demand answers, to demand respect from this world, and to demand treatment. Where there is a will, there is a way.