I was just entering my sophomore year of high school when I realized that I hated just everything about myself. My outspoken tendencies had been diminished to two-word answers and polite smiles, and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to change everything I saw reflected back at me. I was just beginning to figure out that I had acute anxiety and depression, but I had no idea how to reach out for help.
Starting therapy sessions would be way too embarrassing, and how would I convince my parents that my fits of anger and inconsolable sadness were triggered by mental illness and not by my “dramatic teenage personality,” as they would sometimes call it?
Mental illness was never something I thought would happen to me, but after a ton of amateur Google searches, I was noticing that a lot of what I was finding matched the way I felt. There was mention of “suicidal thoughts” and “unmanageable anxiety” -- two things I felt on a daily basis. But they were never serious enough to become alarming. I had never actually wanted to hurt myself or anything like that; but I did know that my quality of life wasn’t as great as it could be and that I was missing out on life.
There were nights when all I could do was lie on my bedroom floor in complete silence until I fell asleep, because I didn’t know how else to cope. I would try and force myself to reach out to people, which wasn’t always successful. But there was one night when this girl I knew from class invited me to a coffeehouse at my school and I decided to go. We spent the night listening to students read poetry or sing and play the guitar, and the last girl to go up sang this song, “Dark Blue.”
I had never heard it before and was completely mesmerized by the lyrics and how it made me feel. It was like someone had written poetry and set it to music; it was so profound and beautiful. There’s one line that goes, “If you’ve ever been alone, you’ll know.” You’ll know this feeling of “dark blue” that the lead singer talks about: where everything in your life seems perfectly OK, but you still feel completely alone.
After the coffeehouse, I went home and looked up the song and the band who wrote it, Jack’s Mannequin. I learned that the lead singer, Andrew McMahon, was diagnosed with leukemia while writing the album on which this song appears. Most of the songs on the album are all about strength in the absence of courage, and I listened to them on repeat when I was feeling low; I still do.
This January, I was able to see Jack’s Mannequin in concert with my boyfriend, and I can’t remember a time when I was happier. When “Dark Blue” came on, I closed my eyes and just let the words sink into me. Even though I still struggle with anxiety and depression, I’ve learned to cope. Listening to that song live reminded me of how far I’ve come. If you’ve ever been alone, you know how incredible it is to find the indescribable joy that comes when you’re not anymore.
