Perhaps one of the most feared things in the world is metaphorically losing those closest to you. Immediately having the ones in which you tell everything to disappear from your life can be incredibly paralyzing to many people, and not to mention, extremely upsetting. Numerous amounts of people rely on their closest of companions to keep them stable, which can make the experience of a falling out 100 times worse.
Unfortunately for me, I was one of those people who was so reliant on those around me. My friends meant everything to me, and I will admit that I was dependent on a few of those relationships. I cared for my closest of friends with all of my heart, and I would do anything for them. Having their relationships at hand made me thrive as the person I used to be.
As can be inferred, my senior year, I experienced a falling out with two people who, at the time, meant the world to me. During the first falling out, I was faced with intense feelings and emotions that I had never felt before. I held a massive grudge, was constantly upset and unwilling to enjoy myself, and brought down those around me. Without my best friend, I believed myself to be nothing. I became even more reliant on others, confident that I would never let another falling out occur again; for those feelings were far too intense to ever experience again. Or so I thought.
Just after my senior year ended, another relationship of mine that I used all of my strength to hold on to, abruptly ended. Very much like the first one, the falling out occurred over time. Having already experienced the first falling out, I could tell that this relationship too was coming to an end, and tried everything in my power to hold onto something that was gradually fading away. I was too afraid to potentially allow myself to re-experience these emotions, so I hopelessly forced this relationship that had already run its course.
Letting go of this relationship was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, since I already knew so well the emotional downfalls that walked hand in hand with the end of a bond. However, upon walking back into my house that dreaded day, my vision clogged with tears, I experienced something I had never before felt.
Over time I would realize that this emotion was independence. Unlike the first falling out, where I allowed my life to be drowned by anger and remorse, I was immediately compelled to stand up to my emotions. I unusually felt in control, and oddly enough, powerful.
I began living my life for me, and only me. I plunged into activities that benefited my health and well being, and started surrounding myself with people who actually made me feel like myself. I rekindled relationships with two people that I drifted apart from, and they became equally as important to me as a person. Fortunately for me, I did not let these relationships become ones that I was dependent on, and ultimately, this made me the happiest version of myself that I have ever been.
When you start living your life for yourself, something changes in you. There is a new drive present; one to constantly fulfill that sense of self happiness. Only you know what makes yourself happy, and it took me a few years to realize that happiness should not be found in relying on others. The best friendships and relationships are formed on the base of mutual happiness and independence, and those are the important relationships that allow us as humans to grow and prosper.
I have changed more than I ever thought possible during these last few months. I am extremely grateful that I allowed those relationships to run their courses and fade out when needed be, which is something that I had never imagined myself doing. I no longer hold grudges against those two individuals; they are both amazing and special people who deserve all of the happiness in the world, and I will always wish them the best, whether they are prominent in my life or not.
I can confidently say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. The college transition especially helped me find the person I am truly meant to be even more, which is a positive, happy, independent person. I owe all of the success of who I am now to those two individuals who left my world, and in return, taught me how to live a life that is happier than I would have ever imagined.
