It has been a dark and hazy night, but you’re returning to your room one more person than you left with. You’re not sure how or why he has accompanied you home, but suddenly find yourself wanting to rescind the invitation you don’t remember offering.
We’ve all been in this bind not knowing how to handle it, but I’m here to help those in need.
Step 1
Make a comment how you’re sobering up and you’re tired. He’ll most likely respond to this by asking if you “want to go to bed.”
DO NOT go to bed. This battle has just begun and that’s a white flag you are not ready to raise.
Step 2
Order food, but choose wisely. If you happen to want something he likes, he’ll try to bond with you over that. The object of this is not to bond. If you really just dgaf, order something with cheese and go onto to tell them you’re highly lactose intolerant.
Step 3
Slowly take your makeup off in front of him. Not only is this postponing his mission of the night, he’s also essentially watching you take your face off.
Hopefully, that or just seeing your face al-natural weirds him out enough to leave. Hold up the makeup remover wipe in triumph of getting it ALL off... hopefully though, am I right? Last weekend you left it on and woke up with pink eye, ugh! You haven’t had time to change your sheets though, so apologies in advance but you still have some left over eye drops in case he needs tomorrow!
Step 4
If there’s ever a time to wear your retainers, that time is now.
Apply pimple cream if he’s still not leaving.
Step 5
Call your mom (*do not actually call her, it's late! that's rude*) and tell her you met the nicest boy tonight and you're SO excited for her to meet him at the next family gathering! You'll tell her ALL the details tomorrow!
Step 6
When you’re going to the bathroom to wash up, bring a tampon and pad with you. Make sure he sees this, or comment something like "Ugh Mother Nature, am I right?"
Step 7
Put on a big t-shirt and sweatpants, get into bed, and ask him about other guys. Show him texts and ask, “Do you think he likes me? Like WHAT does this mean?!”
Maybe even tell him that his friend looked reallllllyy good tonight, “Do you think he’d be into me?”
Step 8
Cry about something.
Step 9
Take a sleeping pill of some sort. This shows you mean business about ptfo-ing.
Step 10
Wet the bed.
If he’s still there in the morning, you should probably question his intentions, dedication, sexuality and/or living situation. He may have actually been homeless and legitimately needed a place to stay that night.
