Our lives are full of moments — each one unique and special in its own way. Our lives are full of people, each one tending to a different need that we may have. Our lives are full of laughter, and happiness. Sometimes our lives are full of darkness, too deep to escape.
Somedays I feel like if I never left my bed, I would be perfectly content. Some nights I wake up from a dream that seemed all too real and I miss you so much that I lie awake, sobbing, wondering what you are doing. I wonder if you too sob for the inability to see each other again, for the distance that now lies between us.
Sometimes all I want to do is hear your voice; the soft sweet pitch of the gentle words you breathed. Sometimes it’s comforting, sometimes it's unbearable. Sometimes my life falls apart and I know that you’re the only person who knows what to say. You're the only person who knows how to make me level headed and reasonable, how to help me see things through someone else’s perspective.
Sometimes people stare, because they simply don’t know what to do, and I imagine you sending some sarcastic remark their way.
Sometimes I drive to places we used to go together and watch the people walk in and out. It's something you enjoyed very much, and I like to think you sit with me when I do this. Sometimes I think “this is a little weird,” but I do it anyway.
Sometimes I visit you and I can’t even formulate words to say. Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to go. I feel guilty for not going to see you, but it’s in that place that I know I can’t escape what has happened. Sometimes I push you to the back of my mind because the pain of what has happened is too much to handle. Sometimes, though, I see a small sign of you, and emotions overcome me once more.
Sometimes I wonder how I’ve made it this far, and I know it’s with your new form of guidance.
Sometimes I see a crappy Toyota Corolla on the road and I think of you, or force Mom to each Nachos with me because I crave our Mexican food retreats. Sometimes I tell stories of you and the crazy things we used to do together and listen to the soft silence once I have stopped speaking.
Sometimes no one knows what to say; it’s in those moments I need you most.
Sometimes I wonder how we got here, to this moment, and I still can’t truly piece it together.
I miss you all the time, and I crave our life conversations and late night T.V. time. Each day something reminds me of you, and the hole in my heart remains wide open. Each day I remember all of the things you taught me, and I try my hardest to live up to them. Each day I say a little prayer that you are okay, happy, and finally at peace.
Each day I miss you and love you, always.
